Dudes, 'Tudes and Trouble!

Is Owen Wilson’s latest kooky behavior a good or bad sign? Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz partying till they literally drop? And it’s a commercial showdown for those hons who have loved (and stopped loving) Ryan Reynolds, mmm, catfight good!

Friends and fans are so worried about Owen Wilson, wondering if the dude, who’s currently filming Marley & Me with Jennifer Aniston in Miami, is all right after his suicide scare last summer. Well, he surely handled himself at the Oscars okay, didn’t he? Much better than those ingrates, the Coen brothers. So, like we said, Owe-babe’s in South Beach while he films Jen Aniston’s latest attempt at trying to remind folks she’s still moving on.

Of course, as has been reported, on-offer Kate Hudson hung hotly with Owen while they were both in town (she stayed at the Raleigh while around for the Miami Film Fest) but O.W.'s rented a fancy-ass pad out on Star Island, which sounds awfully posh, domesticated and Rosie-meets-Gloria Estefan for such a bitchin’ young man, but whatev.

Mr. W., who grew up in the same Cadillac-and-gun-rack hometown as yours truly—Dallas, to be exact—nevertheless hit South Beach’s hot hang, the Shore Club, for some post-Kate carousing. Dare say the guy was feelin’ fab, all back to his norm self. How do we know? He was a pisser! Literally.

There’s a five-foot-wide pool at the Shore, and Owen, feelin’ all recuperated ‘n’ such, decided to jump across it. So butch. And, it worked—he made it. But just as he hurled himself over, O-hon saw a light flash and realized a photographer had caught him being so very daring. Wilson made a huge stink about it, too, and forced the paparazzo worker bee to erase all offending pics. Whew! Now, the world will never know what heinous acts Owen was up to, quelle tragédie.

Too bad there wasn’t a lens dude in the Shore’s john, which O.W. hit next. And across the 12-inch-wide body of a stall’s toilet-bowl water, Owen-love did not jump, he simply urinated. I mean, why, oh, why did the pap not get that shot? ‘Cause not only did Owen not lift the seat (so typical of fellas who don’t give an ef about the next person in line), he didn’t wash his hands, either!

So, ya see, everybody, Owen’s doin’ just fine. He’s up to jerky-butt biz as usual. Everybody, do calm down, please.

Also in SoBe, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had dinner at Social, where  they took in Stardust, the hang’s new party on Saturdays; A&P danced to Kanye West and Justin Timberlake. They gulped down minicheeseburgers, lamb chops and myriad mouthfuls of Imperia Vodka.

Then the perky twosome (for a while longer, it seems, sorry all you P.W. fans) hauled skinny butt over to Mansion, where A.S., in tight gray jeans, silver flats and a black tank—so sniffs our balmy badass, Martin Haro—performed four bitchin’ songs. Well, that’s what Martin says. We like our Petey too much to get into anything Ms. S would be attempting to belt out.

Oh, forgot to add, at one point during the Mansion thing, Simpson took a rather Beyoncé-esque spill onstage. Attempting to recover, Ash-sweets muttered, “I was supposed to fall down, motherf--kers!”

Sure you were, babe. Musta been too many cheeseburgers, huh?

The Top 12 American Idols showed up for some photo ops at Jim Carrey’s Westwood premiere for Horton Hears a Who, how darling of those somewhat respectable babes to come! But they gave nary an interview, damn. Won’t let your darling little puppets speak for themselves, Fox execs? We promise we weren’t gonna drill contestant David Hernandez for some stripping tips. We only wanted his stance on tea-bagging shaved or unshaved, that’s all.

Speaking of ballsy, we asked the hot ‘n’ hilarious Jaime Pressly what animated character best fits her personality, and girl responded, “I don’t think there’s a character yet that’s captured me.” Love your cojones, g-f. Come to think of it—when do cartoon ladies ever get to have both the looks and laughs? Every Disney princess we can think of is as boring as a box of press-on nails, save their sex appeal.

Go-to Dr. Seuss star Carrey arrived with his gorgeous hon-pie, Jenny McCarthy, holding her tiny tot on one shoulder. So freakin’ cute we almost upchucked all over the orange carpet (red is utterly over). Jim-Jim’s all-growns-up daughter, Jane, came along with her dad, and, man, Jane-hon is giving Rumer Willis a supreme spanking in the celeb offspring competition. The 20-year-old has a rockin' bod and a ton of tatts...somebody knight this girl as next year’s Miss Golden Globe, already.

Jim and Steve Carell mouthings tomorrow, babes.

Who doesn’t love a good ol' fashioned celeb catfight? This time, though, it isn't happening in Hyde nightclub and it doesn’t involve Paris Hilton, stunningly. Instead of pulling pigtails and throwing martinis in each other’s faces, the following two talented gals are attacking each other with music, of all things. Whatever happened to mud wrestling?

Alanis Morissette’s latest album, Flavors of Entanglement, drops on May 20—the same day as Scarlett Johansson’s album of Tom Waits covers. That’s gonna be one awkward trip to Best Buy for Ryan Reynolds. Ry-Ry should order his former fiancée’s tunes on Amazon, get it shipped to a secret address and then hide the disc in a CD case for Polka’s Greatest Hits. You know the millisecond ScarJo finds him listening to his ex’s songs instead of hers, the claws are coming out and the boobs are staying in for a long time.

Alanis vs. Scarlett is 10 times more captivating a competish than that 50 Cent vs. Kanye West hypefest last year (espesh since Fiddy had no chance in hell of outselling Kan). I think Ryan should go with whoever sells the most records—hey, sex and success overlap in T-town. And ladies are always being called out on dumping dudes for a more well-off b-f. Ya don’t think men aren’t interested in a sugar babe of their own?

But Scarjy had better watch out—she’s just one of the dozens of actresses trying to be seriously respected in the music scene, and anything Lindsay Lohan has attempted should be avoided, trust. Plus, her cuteness and curves ain’t gonna help her one-up ‘Lanni. ‘Member, Al-Mo showed her completely do-able humps, not to mention her spitfire sense of humor, in that Fergie parody video a few months back. Plus, the Canuck’s career is almost as long as S.J.’s entire lifetime. Sorry, pal Joey, I think A.M.’s got this one.