Toxic Talk Back

Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger sure as hell have ‘em biting back—reader-wise, that is—and, Jakey-poo’s ol’ gf Kirsten Dunst has some folks wondering what the ef. Oh, and Britney Spears was fairly coherent at one point in time, check it out.

Kirsten Dunst's reps are busy putting out the message that their client’s “all right,” despite K.D. having raised many an eyebrow in Sundance with unusual behavior—which those fab Page Sixers reported last week.

Define all right. Is this all right, as in Brit Spears’ 'rents are getting through their dramadey all right, or is this more along the level of Reese and Jake are handling the press poking round their coffee clutches all right?

I'm told it’s more the former. “She’s never really been the same since she broke up with Jake,” pooped a close Dunst hanger-on. “Never.” Wonder why, Jakey-babe? What’d you do to that gal, huh?

Also interesting to note K.D., who’s obvs one of the hottest gal stars in her age and movie range—thanks both to the Spider-Man franchise and Oscar-worthy appeal in flicks such as Marie Antoinette—hasn’t really made the same number of movies other actors at her burgeoning phase usually have.

Basically, Kirsten’s made one film since Antoinette, already two years old. Nicole Kidman, when she was Dunst’s age, made a movie every damn time she took a leak.

Kirsten, you just a diff type of career gal, or is something, uh...up? (‘Cause I hear there is.)

Dear Ted:
After getting over the shock of Heath Ledger's tragic death, I read that he and Mary-Kate Olsen had been allegedly, uh, canoodling and partying together for the last few months. This made me wonder: What are they like, those creepy twins? (Bring to mind those twins in The Shining, except dressed in bag-lady chic with Marlboros dangling from their lips.) Ted, have you ever met them? They freak me out with their duck-lipped smiles and bulging eyes...
  Chris
  Albany, New York

Dear Queer Query:
You should meet them in person (and, yes, I have). Jack Nicholson’s freaky stare, from the same flick, doesn’t compare to the disconcerting effect of the Olsen frisson—times two. It’s like watching gazillionaire munchkins with agendas and too much free time. Never a good combo.

Dear Ted:
In One Redux Doo-Doo Blind Vice, are Seymour Slim-Bum and Darlene Deviant Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo? Just a wild guess...They were in The Thomas Crown Affair.
  Dianne
  Sturgis, Michigan

Dear An Affair to Remember:
Yes, I know. And a very good guess on the ages...but you can forget Pierce and Rene. Think more headline-prone, fer sure.

Dear Ted:
Hillary Clinton is 60. I doubt she suffers from PMS. And since she’s been through hot flashes, she knows how to stand the heat.
  Maria
  Helsinki, Finland

Dear Burning for Hill:
Whatev, a (former First) Lady never reveals her age! Hill better ditch the granny panties and book a stay at Promises to secure that oh-so-coveted youth vote.

Dear Ted:
I was just wondering if Vin Diesel was Mr. Purcell Poke-Me from One Pooftah-Patrol Blind Vice.
  Tay
  Fort Walton Beach, Florida

Dear Regular or Unleaded:
Deffo not Diesel, and our guy is nowhere near as manly as Vin. As if.

Dear Ted:
I agree with you on the Heath Ledger thing. My heart aches for his family and friends that he left behind, yet I feel worse for Michelle and their daughter. My fiancé, too, had a drug problem, and I left him to raise our son on my own. My fiancé was dead three years later from never getting the help he needed. My son will never know his father, nor will Matilda ever know hers. It's too tragic.
  Kitty
  Scottsdale, Arizona

Dear Just Say No:
Hang in there, Kitty. And at least Matilda’s got a strong support system, including do-gooder godfather, Jake Gyllenhaal. Might confuse the hell out of her when she’s old enough to watch Brokeback Mountain, though.

Dear Ted:
I have to know if I'm right: Is Poke-Me from One Pooftah-Patrol Blind Vice Isaac Cohen?
  Betty
  Staten Island, New York

Dear New Yawk Lady:
No dice for this dicey music producer. Our guy’s more in the stage light than pulling the strings behind the scenes.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Katherine Heigl? She's sounds like a crank in interviews, and since she got married, she seems to be out and about with her mom all the time, never the hubby. Are they going to last?
  Rachel
  Memphis, Tennessee

Dear Knocked Down:
Didn’t you hear all about K.H.’s “intimate” B-day bash for hubby Josh, where the only other guests were fellow celebs, which she blabbed all about to People mag? Girl’s been hitched for a month, and she’s already selling out her marriage. I give it about as long as Isaiah’s run on Grey’s.

Dear Ted:
In One Pooftah-Patrol Blind Vice, are Slurpa and Purcell Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro?
  Babs
  Bellflower, California

Dear Till Death They Did Part:
Nope on this eyeliner-sharing ex-couple. Think less rock and more eye rolls.

Dear Ted:
Why hasn’t Jake Gyllenhaal made any comments about Heath Ledger’s death?  Were they not friends?
  Glenda
  Tempe, Arizona

Dear Brokenhearted Mountain:
Just the opposite—Jake is li'l Matilda’s godfather. Could you come up with a pitch-perfect press release, pronto, to honor one of your best buds? Give J.G. some time.

Dear Ted:
Is Bravado Boom-Cocks from One Remind Us Never to Sleep Over There Blind Vice David Spade? Thought he may be horny since he gave up Heather Locklear and the Playboy Bunny he purportedly fathered a child with.
  Karen
  Baltimore

Dear Hearts, Diamonds and Clovers:
...but no Spades here. Try someone a bit more conventionally handsome, far less girly.

Dear Ted:
Your comment about the heroin and Heath Ledger was spot-on. I was watching an interview of him and he was stroking his arm the way a junkie does. This is a very big issue, and your putting it out on the table is what everyone needs to hear. Keep it up. The drug lifestyle doesn't pay.
  Stephanie
  San Francisco

Dear Heroin Chic:
Doing drugs does pay...for a while, at least. That’s why it’s such a desirable derelict lifestyle. Too bad you usually croak or get the slammer as a result. Wonder how many pundits will ponder over every frame of Heath in The Dark Knight?

Dear Ted:
Thanks, my fellow Texan, for the much needed break in between working with these big-haired overpaid realtors in the DFW area!
  Erika
  Dallas

Dear Lone Spar:
Pay no mind. They’re just superbitchy because Dubya plans to build there, not buy.

Dear Ted:
I think it is absolutely disgusting that Jake G. is out with Reese at a time like this. Does he have no shame left? It is like he is using Heath's death to promote this fauxmance.
  S.
  New York City

Dear Tough Take:
Boy basically kept himself in hiding (on-set of his in-production flick) for a week following the news of his departed friend. How long do ya wanna box in Jakey-Poo’s mourning mug? The show—and life—must go on eventually.

Dear Ted:
I am thinking Bravado Boom-Cocks might be Liev Schreiber. You mentioned he and Sacha have a birth thing in common—both their girlfriends just had babies. You also said the height was right in regard to that Conan O'Brien query, and Schreiber is quite tall.
  Marianne
  North Kingstown, Rhode Island

Dear Liev It Alone:
Keep sleuthing, 'cause Leiv is so far off. Think older, crankier, less of a studmuffin, slightly.

Dear Ted:
Hillary beating the Republicans! Are you kidding me? They can't wait to run against her and Bill. And the Kennedys just endorsed Obama. This race is far from being over. Stick to the facts and don't try to brainwash/influence your readers. This is more serious than the Isaiah Washington homophobic incident. As the French say: On ne joue pas dans la cour des grands.
  Dina
  New York City

Dear French Hiss:
Of course...what’s brainwashing and manipulation have to do with politics and the government anyway? Oh, and homophobic much, ma chère?

Dear Ted:
So, Angie baby didn't get all that much press when she starved herself. Now, she's going the tent-dress-preggo-rumors route. Is it just me, or is the total attention whore trying anything to get back on your front page now that the Brad thing is old news?
  Mary
  Dallas, Pennsylvania

Dear Pissed in PA:
Angelina’s always felt right at home with all eyes pinned on her—remember those beloved blood-vial days? Girl gets off on the public’s reaction. Doubt she got possibly double-knocked up just for thrills.

Dear Ted:
Is Purcell Poke-Me in One Pooftah-Patrol Blind Vice Lance Armstrong? An "ex" of Slurpa. Fab hair and body. A bit too old for posters (though never exactly "poppy") and macho aggressive. And now the frustration of never knowing if I'm right.
  Lance
  Trudel, California

Dear Mr. Armstrong:
You’re in the clear, 'cause it ain’t a sports star in the slightest.

Dear Ted:
Do you think they leaked Tom Cruise’s Scientology video on purpose? They already have his next heir in Will Smith, who is number one at the box office. Tom himself said he would like to just recruit celebs. They have controlled his life since day one, and there is no way they would allow his career to crash and burn.
  Diana
  Atlanta

Dear Cruise Caper:
Last I checked, couch jumping wasn’t L. Ron approved. And who’s this they you keep going on about? Keith ‘n’ Nic?