Smash-Up on Interstate Love

Snitty SAG stars and even snittier readers, everybody—what's with the general grump-butt mood today? Is there a group moratorium on no nooky until Britney's finished rehab, or somethin'? Oh, and fairly surprising big-ass biz there, I'll tell ya. Ready to raise your brows higher than Lindsay's Mercedes repair bill?

Gosh, that intervention I told you all about that Lynne Spears was trying to get under way for wayward, wacky Britney did happen, how fab! Will it last? Who the ef knows? I predict a total ‘nother Amy Winehouse quickie job here, but something, you know, I also told you about is under way—so maybe the odds are a little better, a little worse for our Brit-Brit?

Yep. Everybody’s least fave TV doc, the Phil guy, is in on the latest Spears rehabilitation. Per Lynne’s instructions. Dunno here. Would feel a lot better about this entire let’s-get-Britster-beh-beh thang if the wrecked tart’s dad were more in charge of things. I mean, after all, Lynne’s the gal primarily responsible for getting her daughter in such dire straits to begin with, in my pissy opinion.

It’s also my thought that Mary-Kate Olsen should not be given a free ride from the coppers while Heath Ledger’s masseuse, Diana Wolozin, who discovered the poor dude dead last week, is grilled out the friggin’ wazoo. True, Wolozin is an adult and didn’t have to keep calling Olsen instead of 911. But why the hell isn’t Olsen being investigated for her questionable actions, too? Calling her security team instead of the paramedics? What was the point in that exactly, Mary-Kate? Most shady.

I asked Daniel Day-Lewis about it at the SAG Awards. Seemed appropriate, as Day-Lewis, who’d just won for Best Actor in There Will Be Blood, mentioned Heath in his acceptance speech. “Do you think there should be a further police investigation into Mary-Kate Olsen’s involvement?” I asked. Day-Lewis, all English brown suit-piping and proper manners, replied quite evenly, “I think we should leave [Heath] and his family alone. It’s none of our business, anyhow.”

Couldn’t disagree with ya more, Mr. D. Further crusty crossings are as follows:

Dear Ted:
Why can't you just let go of your anger for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? Just because you did not get an interview does not mean you have to keep on dissing the duo. Give them peace and good wishes instead.
  Lee
  Southgate, Michigan

Dear Midwestern Miffed:
I’ve had my Brangelina audience before—access is not the issue, actions are. They said no romance took place on Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Bull-merde. They say they’re only interested in having a low-key life with their fam—triple bull-merde. Only thing I love about Angie these days is that she has no publicist. Totally brills.

Dear Ted:
So, you want to welcome back "thin" Britney? Who gives an ef? Let's get back to a healthy Britney, mentally. And with all the Skeletors running around L.A., let's encourage Britney to eat—and eat healthy—and get her body and mind back to being sound.
  JR
  Glenview, Illinois

Dear Weighty Issues:
I’m sorry, have I fallen asleep at the wheel of the gossip mobile? Is Britney not eating? I have yet to see a recent photo of her without a Frap in hand or food stains up and down her shirt.

Dear Ted:
I don't know how many readers bashed you for your info on Heath Ledger, but I am happy you said it. At least it was the truth, and not some fluff. I never would have guessed by looking at Heath that he would struggle with those kinds of issues, but I guess drug addicts don't wear uniforms you can spot from a mile away. They don't all look or act like Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty.
  D
  Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Dear Eloquent Eulogizer:
James Dean, River Phoenix, Brad Renfro and Heath...Hollywood’s timeline is filled to the brim with young handsome stars who never become old handsome stars. Unforch, the way it goes, some bring it upon themselves, and some are just unlucky. Heath was both.  

Dear Ted:
I wish you would give K-Fed a break. Brit married well within her social strata—her fame did not remove the Cheez Whiz and Spam from her blood. Had she not had a cute face and a stage mother, she would be found today in a single-wide, with a mangy brown dog tied up in the dirt yard next to the old car engines and flat tires. Stop expecting so much out of this little moron.
  Gia
  Alexander, Virginia

Dear Toxic:
What’s K-Fed’s excuse, then? Last I checked, he had neither a stage mother nor a cute face.  

Dear Ted:
One Remind Us to Never Sleep Over There Blind Vice has got to be Alec Baldwin. What do I win?
  Chelsa
  Houston 

Dear Lovely Parting Gift:
Sorry, sweetie, it ain’t Alec or any other of his Baldwin bros. This guy’s got as hilarious a sense of humor, though...but slightly better phone manners.  

Dear Ted:
I just added egomaniacal Eddie Murphy to the list of people whose movies and shows I will not watch. He joins Rosie O'Donnell, Russell Crowe, Oprah and Tom Cruise. But here's why I am writing—Eddie Murphy is Toothy Tile, right? God knows he's Toothy.
  Jeane
  Walnut Creek, California

Dear Blacklisting Betty:
Eddie, Rosie, Russell and Tom aren’t too surprising celebs to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths. But what in heaven’s name do you have against Mama O? I’d think at least the cast of The Hills would wind up on a blacklist before Oprah. In any case, Eddie deserves a smart punch in his smilies, but he ain’t no Toothy.  

Dear Ted:
Is Bravado Boom-Cocks Conan O'Brien? After doing some cross-checking and researching on other websites, this would seem like a logical choice!
  Tracy
  Chicago

Dear Late-Night Nope:
Conan’s in the clear. You’re right there on the height, though.

Dear Ted:
What happened to Wilmer Valderrama? His sordid lifestyle used to fill this column, website and myriad other blogs. He was the gossip king. But now I don't even know who he's schtuppin'. Has he become boring? Perhaps there is something sinister afoot. What gives?
  Jake
  Arnprior, Ontario, Canada 

Dear That '70s Jake:
Now, you’ve cursed us all. Mention his name and he comes back to life. Wilmer took a sabbatical from his Exposing All the Starlets I’ve Devirginized tour to voice a kids’ animated show and get ready for the big-screen CHiPs remake. Mark my words: Soon enough, he’ll return to the blogs—bigger, badder and douchier than ever.

Dear Ted:
Eva Longoria Parker burns my butt with that "bounty on celebrities" comment. Excuse me, but you wouldn't have to worry about that if you worked at the local Taco Bell, babe.
  O.C.
  Alexander, Virginia

Dear Eva Hatah:
Eva’s the kind of delightful diva who’d find something to complain about whether swimming through gold coins in Scrooge McDuck’s moneybank or working night shifts at Mickey D’s. Little lady can’t possibly be pleased!

Dear Ted:
I think my dog Scooby must be related to your gal Margo. From your photos, it appears they are dead ringers. Scooby is a mutt from the Dallas SPCA. He has more of a Chow look and is the most submissive sweetie-pie on earth. Dogs are cool.
  Jeannie
  Dallas

Dear Pooch Patter:
Submissive, Margo is not. Prolly no relation whatsoever, but thanks for the sweetie shout!

Dear Ted:
Given the whole of your experience with Hollywood, what was the dish that just absolutely blew your mind? Because celebrities just get more insane every day, from a Midwesterner's POV!
  Mary
  Allen, Michigan

Dear Polling Gal:
That Nicole still hasn’t blabbed, really, about Tom. Figured she would have gotten it out via some kind of unauthorized bio (which is how Princess Diana used Andrew Morton to sabotage the Royal Family, by cooperating unofficially with Morton’s book on her), or some such covert tactic. It’s unfortunate (for us) that the one who knows everything—forget Mimi Rogers, forget Katie—is choosing to be so obnoxiously classy. Or fearful. Take your pick.

Dear Ted:
If George Clooney isn’t serious about his gal-pal (as you have alluded to in previous columns), why does he parade her around to more places than a float in a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade?
  Sally
  New York City

Dear It's Right in Front of Your Puss:
Exactly.

Dear Ted:
Is One Remind Us to Never Sleep Over There Blind Vice's Bravado Boom-Cocks Kevin Bacon? I noticed you had a bunch of Kevins listed, thought maybe that was the clue. 
  Rose
  Richmond, Virginia

Dear Not Bringing Home the Bacon:
Sorry, babe, ain’t K.B., but it’s a fairly good guess nonetheless. Right coast, right age, totally wrong bod type. 

Dear Ted:
I’m a psychotherapist who specializes in working with the entertainment industry. I work with Young Hollywood on a regular basis and can help sort out, from a psychological perspective, the recent rash of deaths and out-of-control behavior. Please feel free to contact me if I can be of help in any way.
  Rebecca Roy, M.A.
  Beverly Hills

Dear Fancy Doc:
How much does drug addiction need explaining? Please gear your sweet offer more toward somebody who could use it. Amy? Britney? Heath’s family? 

Dear Ted:
Sad as I am about Heath Ledger's passing, I find your attitude politically interesting. And why did all the women he lived with leave him? Heather, Naomi and Michelle? Do all your sources have the answer to that?
  Lizzie
  Chester, Connecticut

Dear Good Question:
I’m sure Dr. R.R. (above) could help out here, Liz. It’s called getting fed up with waiting for an addict to change.

Dear Ted:
Is Bravado Boom-Cocks from One Remind Us to Never Sleep Over There Blind Vice Sacha Baron Cohen? Also, can you please give more hints and/or eliminations on Tuesdays? The mailbag seems to be pretty dry in regard to the Blind Vices lately.
  Courtney
  Hopkinton, Massachusetts 

Dear Pushy:
So sorry, babe! Let’s see, what can we do for you here to make things all better? Hmmm. First off, ain’t Sacha, but that’s a very good guess, because of a sort of birth thang Bravado and Sacha have in common. Second, BBC usually has a beard (the real kind, not the People magazine kind), too. And third, Mr. Boom-Cocks has as many awards as he does enemies. Sound good? Break a detective’s leg, hon! 

Dear Ted:
I always rake you over the coals for your antipathy toward Brangelina (well, at least Angelina), but this time I want to say something nice. I read some of the comments people left you about Heath, and I think they got it wrong. I do not think you were besmirching his memory or being insensitive. Perhaps if more people spoke out like you did, we wouldn't be sad that his little girl lost her father.
  Hope
  Seattle

Dear Ray of Hope:
Nothing would make me happier than the thought of more little kids not losing their ‘rents in the future. Thanks for the kudos, much appreciated.