I used to love your column, but lately you have become an out and out (totally intended) asshole. Whatever is going on with you, you need to take a break and check yourself.
Dear Bitch Police:
Well, darlin’, if this is what falling in love does for me, would hate to see what would happen if I went all K-Fed and Brit-Brit on my b-f, so no thanks.
Robert Rodriguez left his wife for an actress. That's it. His responsibility. It's not the smartest thing, perhaps, that Rose McGowan is doing, but she didn't break any promises or deals, she didn't steal anybody.
Dear Wife Swat:
True. My point was not to so much the partner switching, but the hiding it from the public for so long, so poorly. Robert and Rose made Brad and Angelina look pic-perfect, PR-wise.
I was both fascinated and horrified to see Ellen DeGeneres' sobfest re her hairdresser’s dog being taken back by the pet shelter. I understand the shelter’s position regarding the breach of contract—but at the end of the day, the placement of the dog in a nice home is the goal, right?
Albany, New York
Dear Right On:
Yep, which is why it’s crucial to follow the shelter’s policy of returning the pooch if you don’t keep it. Otherwise, you’re saying it's okay to pass canines from owner to owner—a potentially disastrous sitch for the critters.
Is it true Angelina Jolie is bi? You only hear her talk about other women, but you never really see her with one.
What do you call Brad Pitt these days?
Loved the “Who’s Effin’ Whom” column. Everyone seems to be out and about, enjoying the beautiful fall weather. Is Ben Affleck too obvious a guess for One Lamentable Blind Vice? I’m addicTED to the Awful Truth!
Are you calling me a dic, sweetie? Not sure there, but thanks, just the same—and no go on Benny-boy for the dude who wishes he had come outta the closet. Think far less of a multitasker but just as questionable hair.
Dear Det. Down Under:
You mean the one where he trades bras with his gorgeous gonzo wife, Deborra-Lee Furness? Kidding! Anyways, ain’t H.J., though a most excellent hunch, doll-puss. Think less established by a bit.
As to the Britney Spears query regarding whether too many kids too soon makes you crackers, instead try asking if having children makes you crackers? Sometimes, it's not a good thing to reproduce yourself. People should look in the mirror and ask themselves, does the world need another you?
San Luis Obispo, California
Dear Good One:
Why didn’t George H.W. Bush do as you suggest?
Who is the most intelligent celebrity you have ever interviewed? Which one is the biggest bore? Beijos.
São Paulo, Brazil
Dear Brazilian Ba-Ba Walters:
Bill Clinton for the first, and the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond for the second.
Who is Corny Beefy from One Lamentable Blind Vice? Who is Toothy Tile? Are they the same person? It's driving me crazy that I can't figure it out. Please help!
Dear Austin City Loony:
No, no, no and no! Now, had you not been from Texas...
You are so right on Rose McGowan and Robert Rodriguez. However, you are so not right on Reese and Ryan getting back together. I think Jake still has a chance, though. Also, I saw you on Chelsea Lately...why so mum on Tori Spelling?
Dear Brooklyn Bouillabaisse:
First, never said R 'n' R getting back, fer sure, just said they were both trying to see about another chance, nothing def (doesn’t look good, obvs). No comment on Jake. And Tori? Yeah, I like her. So, slap me.
Why hasn't Matthew Perry settled down (publicly) with anyone? Is he gay?
Dear Southern Snooper:
Not that I'm aware. And I know this may come as a great shock, but I am not the authority on who’s a fairy, and who’s not, in Tinseltown. Why don’t you try Jennifer Aniston, hear she loves the gays.
Toothy Tile's gotta be Ricky Martin. I bet he gets more rod than a welder!
St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada
Good hunch, but alas (and I believe I’ve discounted R.M. a few times before, babe-cakes), not the man-lovin’ machine that is our beloved Tooth. Think somebody with a little less juicy junk in his trunk.
Dear Gay Gumshoe:
Another quite good shot, my Twin City chica! Alas, ain’t the once highly doable Kilmer, think somewhat similar franchise, though.
If Lindsay Lohan gets an “accountabili-buddy,” shouldn't Paris Hilton get an “intelli-buddy”? Can Ms. Hilton really be as dim as she seems, or is there a calculating mind behind that vapid face?
Dear What a Name:
No one is who they seem out here. No one.
Who is Kim Kardashian, and why does she now have her own show? Because she has a big butt? I have a big butt, too, can I get my own show?
Sure, but let’s see what you can do with a stripper pole and princess complex first.
What's up with Pam Anderson? When I saw her on Ellen, I thought she was pretending to be clueless. Now, I'm beginning to think that’s her true nature. She's no different from Britney and Paris.
Corona, New York
Dear She Ain't Dumb:
Pam was hoping you’d say that. See, you’re asking about the broad, it’s all Pam really wants, in the end, besides Mr. Salomon. Uh-oh, maybe she is dense.
Corny Beefy = William Baldwin?
Dear Not Far Off:
Nope, but conjure up more hair, less (currently) worked out boobs and butt. Another excellente guess, though—you ferreters are so there this week, love it!
I was wondering: Why are people so obsessed with celebs?
Same reason you’re obsessed with those who are so obsessed.