Spoiler Alert! Do not continue reading unless you've watched American Horror Story's latest episode. We're spelling out all of the latest happenings and will hex all those who complain about being spoiled in the comments!
Death, incest, bestiality, the gang's all here!
We're sure this is going to be a weekly occurence, but American Horror Story: Coven had its most insane outing yet on Oct. 23 with "The Replacements," which found Supreme witch Fiona (Jessica Lange) making her first big kill of the season in an attempt to protect her witchy throne. Plus, the recently-resurrected Kyle (Evan Peters) finally spoke and one of the girls got a little too close to the Minotaur monster for our comfort. Seriously, does anyone have brain soap?!
To help you sort all of the batsh-t craziness going down in New Orleans, we've highlighted some of episode's WTF moments and big mythology reveals...
1. The New Supreme: In a flashblack to 1971, we learn how Fiona became the coven's Supreme: She killed the old one, who was also her mentor! In the scene, we learn a witch must possess the "seven wonders" in order to become the Supreme. A talented witch can manifest four or five, but a Supreme must master the seven wonders.
2. Cat's Got Your Tongue: In the same flashback, we learned why Denis O'Hare's butler Spalding can't speak and it's a case of really, really bad timing. You see, he walked in the room just as Fiona slit her mentor's throat. To prevent him from telling anyone about what he saw, she cut out his tongue.
3. Justice Is Served: Famed serial killer/all-around terrible human being LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) is devastated to learn via the "magic box" (also known as a television) that God has forsaken this once proud country by allowing an African-American to be the president. "I voted for him. Twice," Fiona rubbed in her face, before making her the school's new maid. Ha! Later, she made her Queenie's (Gabourey Sidibe) personal slave after she refused to serve the human voodoo doll at breakfast. ("Miss Aryan sisterhood came between Queenie and her food," Madison oh-so-deliciously quipped.) AH-MAH-ZING. "There's nothing I hate more than a racist," Fiona explained. And there's nothing we love more than a sassy Lange.
4. The Big C: After visitng a plastic surgeon, the youth-obsessed Fiona received some horrible news: Her immune system is a wreck and her bloodwork is alarming, to say the least. Later, Fiona dropped the news that she has cancer and we learn that as a future Supreme gets stronger, the current one grows weaker. So that means one of the young witches is literally sucking the life out of Fiona, which gives a whole new meaning to the student becoming the master.
5. Stage-Five Clinger: In the process of healing Kyle, Misty Day (Lily Rabe) aka Stevie Nicks Jr., has become very, very attached to him. It seems our coven-less free spirit dwelling in the woods is very lonely and was not pleased when Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) came to take Kyle home. But how great was Misty's Stevie twirl though?!
6. New Neighbor Alert: Why hello, Luke (Alexander Dreymon), the hottie who just moved in next door and who most of the girls, especially Nan (Jamie Brewer), have taken an interest in. Too bad his bible-lovin' mama Joan (Patti Lupone) isn't down with the witches next door, thanks to Madison's (Emma Roberts) wicked (and fiery) ways. "Good luck keeping him away with me," our bad girl told Joan after she warned the PYT to stay away from Luke. "He's so backed up, all I'd have to say is 'panties' and he'd jizz his jeans." Have we mentioned how much we love Madison?
7. Baby Woes: Though she went all dark side with her hubby last week, Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) learned she still can't have children. Desperate, she met with Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett), who explained how she would do the spell (goat blood being spilled on Cordelia's naked body, natch) then promptly said she would never do it for Fiona's daughter. "She done messed with the wrong witch," she seethed. "And she knows it. And now you know it." Yeah, this witchy war is officially on. (We're still waiting to become fully invested in Cordy's storyline, by the way.)
8. Mommy Creepiest: As if dying in a truly horrible bus crash and then being brought back to life by two young witches playing Dr. Frankenstein wasn't traumatizing enough, we learn Kyle was being sexually abused by his pot-smoking, white trash mother (played by Mare Winningham). After Zoe returned a helpless Kyle to his mother, we learned the horrible truth as she kissed him...and then some.
9. Bestiality, Too: Yep, in one episode AHS: Coven tackled incest and bestiality. When the Minotaur showed up at the school to exact his revenge on LaLaurie, Queenie, whose lack of a love life was discussed a few times during the ep, decided to go outside and face the big bad. But in a twist we did not see coming, Queenie related to LaLaurie's former servant Bastian (and Marie Laveau's lover), saying, "You just wanted love and that makes you a beast. They call me that, too. But that's not who we are. We both deserve love like everybody else." Queenie then stuck her hand under her skirt and did what the CW's Reign wouldn't let one of its hand-maidens do as the Minotaur circled around her. "Don't you want to love me?" she asked before he covered her mouth.
10. It Speaks: FrankenKyle spoke his first word in tonight's episode: "No!" Which was said over and over as he clubbed his mother to death with an old trophy when she made another sexual advance saying Zoe "doesn't know how to please" him like she does. (Again: Ick!) Cut to a horrified Zoe walking in on a blood-covered Kyle. You know, just your average Friday night dinner with your boyfriend and his mother.
11. Self-Preservation Is the Most Primal Instinct: As as the perfect bookend to the opening scene, Fiona killed Madison, who she believed to be her successor, in the exact same spot she killed her former mentor. After Madison mastered two new powers in the hour (including pyrokinesis), Fiona took the wild child (who is very reminiscent of the young Fiona we met in the flashback) under her wing (preying on her mommy issues!) before finally going in for the kill.
"I'm dying, my time is up. You're killing me. Your powers, you've been feeling them growing," she said. "I'm the source…my life force is literally pouring out of my body into yours. This is no mystical mumbo jumbo, this is real." Cut to Fiona slitting Madison's throat as Spalding once again looked on, ready to clean up Fiona's latest mess. "This coven doesn't need a new Supreme," Fiona said casually as she smoked a cigarette. "It needs a new rug."
We bow down.
Do you think this is the last we've seen of the snarktastic Madison? Which was harder to watch: Queenie's, um, moment with the Minotaur or Kyle's mom kissing him? Sound off in the comments!