Congratulations to those of you who only flipped to DIRECTV's Mother 57, Looks 27! once during The 65th Primetime Emmy Awards. It took discipline to sit through a three hour-long funeral with a smattering of jazz hands, but now we must cue the mournful cello solo and bury the past....because we have some ideas to make the 2014 Emmy's even more exciting than the news that John Hamm grew a beard.
1. We find out Carrie Underwood's a robot. Have you noticed that on the rare occasion when Carrie's eyes light up, there's still a deadness behind them? In 2014, we'll learn that Carrie Underwood rose from the ashes of a broken GPX Karaoke Party Machine.
2. Excessive gay jokes from Michael Douglas, but without him having played a homosexual. His rough draft for this year's speech had twenty-plus gay jokes he didn't even have time to tell! They're so funny he'll just save them for next year.
3. Anna Faris's yellow dress is even yellower. You thought this year's dress was yellow? Next year Anna's dress will be so yellow it be responsible for everyone's mood, and also offer grief counseling.
4. Miley comes in like a wrecking ball. Sources say that by 2014 we'll have taken a virtual tour of her vagina and probably won't even notice.