Planning a wedding is a lot like being a dictator: You have to be charismatic, organized, power-hungry, willing to oppress your underlings, ruthless, soulless and prettier than all the other bitches! LOLZ!
Gawker has become the No. 1 destination for insane leaked emails (e.g., Angry Sorority Girl's guide to being less "f--king AWKWARD"), and their latest offering does not disappoint.
Gawker obtained a string of emails from a bride-to-be to her bridesmaids, which kicks off with the Vladimir Putin of brides cheerfully exclaiming, "Welcome to my bridal party...It is official six months until my wedding day."
She continues, "I just wanted to go over some ground rules." From there, it's all downhill.
"Queen Bee," as she refers to herself, dictates everything from appropriate bedtimes to bikini selection. And those are the points she's more lax on. Below, the bridezilla's craziest quotes:
Names changed to protect the innocent. And the guilty.
1. "Rule 1: Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks." Just that sentence. No further explanation needed.
2. Don't get fat. Don't get skinny: "No-one can be skinner than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans."
3. Out with weigh-ins, in with calorie counting. When Queen Bee realizes weigh-ins may be a bit unrealistic, she comes up with an alternate plan: "I was thinking that we should start a daily google docs, where everyone can update in real time their daily calorie content...I thought the food calculator would be a great way for me to monitor everyone's caloric in take. Thoughts?"
(FYI, she probably doesn't care what your thoughts are.)
4. Rule No. 8: "8. Hair cuts: If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well)." Failure to follow this, or any preceeding rules, results in "bridal banishment." Rule #8 seemed to be the most controversial. Which brings us to...
6. The Saga of Chloe: After learning a "worker bee" had defected, Queen Bee wrote, "I would appreciate a call from the hair-color-changing culprit immediately, with a proposed remedy by the end of the day."
6b. The Saga of Chloe Continued: "Chloe has colored her hair. She has repented her sins to the QB and she has been forgiven for her minor lapse in forgetting the protocol."
6c. The Saga of Chloe, Pt. 3: "Chloe, please review the conversation where I approved your highlights and slight trim. NOT HACKING OFF YOUR BANGS."
6d. The Saga of Chloe, Concluded: "Good afternoon all of my faithful bees. It brings me great sadness to write this e-mail but it was brought to my attention that one of my chosen-bees has defected. She is in violation of Rule 8, despite asking permission and having her request denied! The punishment is obviously bridal party banishment. However, after careful consideration, I have decided to re-instate her status on a provision basis. As long as her bangs grow out by [date two weeks before the wedding], she will be allowed to participate in our festivities. She has reassured me that she will be using horse shampoo for rapid hair growth until that point."
Queen Bee ends her original email with, "Just kidding bitches, well, sorta. love you all." But we have a feeling she was not kidding. One bridesmaid was allowed (forced?) to wear a pashmina to cover her "fat arms."
Gawker commenter makingfetchhappen posted that she knew the bride (you entertained the idea that this was made up, didn't you?) and revealed, "3 bridesmaids no longer speak to her." We hope one of those bridesmaids was Chloe. Our prayers are with you, Chloe.