It's so time to ferret out reasons for Britney's last freak-out, and don't mind if I do paint a very vivid picture of what it must be like behind bedroom doors for J. Simpson and furry friend John Mayer. Oy bad-hair vey
Britney Spears Shaved

X-17online.com

Yikes! Only thing more snit-to-print than Britney Spears' newest San Fernando Valley-inspired coiffure (or my reporter debut on General Hospital today) would be this week's mail bag. But before we get to that cutting feedback, let's rehash, one more time, what went down along with Brit-Brit's locks:

Breaking news as of Tuesday: Ms. Es finally does something smart—checks back into rehab.

Let's hope this time she stays there for more than 24 hours, eh?

'Course, everyone and their mom is speculating about why, exactly, Britney went buzz-crazy on Friday night, and we've got some ideas of our own:

Tom Cruise

Ash Knotek/Snappers/ZUMApress.com

  • Certain concoctions are known to make users feel like they have bugs crawling on them. Remember it was reported B.S. shaved her head because she "didn't want anyone touching her"? Could this have been a side effect of whatever she's in rehab for?
  • Postpartum Depression: Maybe hormonal imbalances are to blame for why B.'s been acting so damn crazy lately. She did pop out two kids back-to-back...Tom Cruise, care to weigh in on the best treatment?
  • Could Britney's über-public follicular freak-out been an attempt to regain the spotlight? It has certainly worked, but not in a positive way. There are far easier, less permanent ways to get headlines, Brit, remember your crotch-flashing days?
  • My personal fave is the theory that some of Britney's inside amigos are gossin' 'bout—that the Big Buzz was inspired wholly by a script Brit once read and admired very much. It was the story of a young, put-upon thing who felt that once she had no place left to turn in life, she cut off all her hair.

Hey, Britney, you've got a lot to be grateful for, so get over yourself, already. I mean, nobody can dance up a slut-storm like you can (onstage, too). You're poised for a te-riff comeback, which your fans—me, included—are salivating for, and K-Schmuck's outta your life, legally, at least.

Halle-friggin'-lujah!

 

John Mayer, Jessica Simpson

Shane Babin/ZUMAPress.com, Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Just curious—we've all seen the funky facial expressions that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer make while they're performing. Do you think it's worse in the sack? I imagine they both have their eyes closed and are straining off in different directions with their mouths open. Not that I've given it much thought.
  Julie

Dear Sheet Shamer:
My guess is that John ‘n’ Jess’ sack-session expressions are quite unworthy of being recorded and distributed, unlike Kim Kardashian, whose sex tape looks like she hired friggin’ Spielberg to direct it. Let's just hope.

Paris Hilton

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Ted, I love you, but you're really scaring me with your statement about Paris Hilton. I can only assume you are giving her a "pass" because she is most likely a nice person, as opposed to Isaiah Washington. However, I would hope you would treat these situations equally. When word got out about Isaiah's incident, you (rightly so) did not let it go. You should pursue Paris' indiscretions in the same manner. Bigotry is bigotry, even when it's done with a smile.
  Michelle
  Washington, D.C.

Dear Equal-Opportunity Type:
I most certainly did not give Paris a "pass." I said her words were inexcusable, same with I.W., couldn't agree with you more about a bigotry. 
Kathy Hilton

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I'm really disappointed in you with regard to your lack of coverage of Paris' diatribe. You seem to be pretty tight with her mum, Kathy, and have to keep that slice of bread buttered. Even when asking for an apology from Paris, you're so very deferential to Kathy. Is she paying you to not write smut about her family or just lending you her pool boy?
  Carolyn
  Seattle

Dear Cabana Minded:
If you look at what I wrote, Kathy isn’t even mentioned, so how in the world am I deferring to her? Did you want the entire family beheaded or something?

Dear Ted:
Thank you for finally saying something about Paris Hilton and for having the cojones to publicly denounce her.  
  Kristal Monique

Dear Paris Burner:
You’re welcome.

Dear Ted:
I enjoyed your weekly column. Not so much the daily column. But nowfarting is gossip? Yikes. Bye-bye!
  Yecart
  Nashville, TN

Dear Smells Rotten:
Words to live by: Gossip includes anything and everything scandalous, rotten and filthy—all of which encompasses Bubble-Butt Bub and his cheating, cheese-cutting ways. Kapeesh?

Lynne Spears

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Being a fellow Southerner, tell me this: Why, oh, why doesn't Lynne Spears slap the mess out of Britney for going out in public dressed like trailer trash? You know our mamas would!  
  S.S.
  Orange Beach, AL

Dear Trash Tracker:
Most celebrity moms spend years makin’ money off their pop-princess protégées. Lynne, on the other so-late-it’s-now-ridiculous hand, seems like she’s genuinely attempted to rein in her daughter...I hear it was Brit’s ‘rents who were trying to get her into rehab, and you see how long that sticks. Sometimes you just have to let someone self-destruct, sad as it may be.

Jennifer Hudson

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Who did Jennifer Hudson have to charm in order to get all this attention? She's decent as a singer, but to be honest, a broom could get an Academy Award nomination if it acted opposite Beyoncé Knowles. What's your take?
  Yvonne
  Detroit

Dear Deliciously Bitchy:
I think it’s just Beyoncé backlash in full effect. Peeps are praisin’ Jen because she’s stealing the light from B., who hogged it for far too long during her Destiny's Child days.

Night at the Museum, Ben Stiller

Twentieth Century Fox

Dear Ted:
Is Bubble-Butt perchance Ben Stiller? Blue eyes, yum-yum bod and his own TV show that lasted 20 minutes. Does it add up?
  Tabitha
  Boston

Dear Farting Ferreter:
Think prettier, less well known and way less paid.

Anna Nicole Smith

Dan Herrick/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Ted, you are a jerk. Your comments regarding Anna Nicole Smith are unforgivable. When is E! going to release on DVD the rest of Anna's seasons (shows)? Currently, you can only buy the first season. Thanks.
  Rebecca
  Naples, FL 

Dear Make Up Your Mind:
Darling, you’re all over the place! First off, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Ain’t like A.N.S. was Princess Di, for heaven’s sake. Her hilariously horny hijinks are what made her the lovable mess we all remember. To answer your second question with a question: Does it look like I friggin’ know? Why don’t you go ask Howard K. Stern?

Matt Damon

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Bubble-Butt Bub has to be Matt Damon. You didn't make that one very hard.
  Jennifer
  Groton, CT

Dear Ice-Cold:
Matt Damon is way too classy to pull that odoriferous crap. Think toothier, less talented and perhaps a tad more metrosexual.

Dixie Chicks

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Just reminding you to give a shout-out to those other Texans, the Dixie Chicks, for not playin’ nice, and winning Grammys for it—we Texans have to stick together!
  Adrienne
  Dallas

Dear Tejas Kisser:      
Seems all the play-it-safe peeps of the U.S. of A are finally comin’ round to those southern sassy divas and their Bush-bashin’ blues. Let this be a lesson learned: If ya don’t like something, sing about it.

Howard K. Stern

Tom Craig/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Why doesn’t the media give Howard K. Stern some time to mourn? I think everyone is being so inconsiderate to Anna's loved ones. Everyone can see how much Howard loved her. Also, if Anna didn't have any money, do you really think Larry would be going after custody? No!
  Elissa
  Chicago

Dear Confused:
Girlfirend, you must been dippin’ into the stash in Anna-doll’s fridge if you believe for a nanosec that Howard has no ulterior motives.

Danielyn Smith

Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Since "Who's your daddy?" has turned into such a fiasco with Dannielynn, the best solution would be for her to become the next adopted into the do-good Brangelina clan.
  Dawn
  Oklahoma City

Dear Brilliant:
What a fabulous idea! The little one can still grow up über-wealthy but well-bred and charitable, instead of being a charity case. With a mom like Angie, I’m sure Dannielynn can still be “sexy” too. Did I just say that?      

Dear Ted:
Why do you write so that people have to decipher your language? It's boring.
  Anne
  New York City

Dear Semantics Snoozer:
Try reading the Ted-Speak dictionary, dollface. It will enlighten you in ways you never thought possible.

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