IStockShe's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
Everyone's favorite sorority girl gone wild off the deep end, Rebecca Martinson, has returned to the spotlight, mere months after an email she sent to her "f--king AWKARD" Delta Gamma sisters went viral and resulted in her resignation from the organization.
From the looks of it, our sweet Rebecca is still the same girl who harangued her sisters for being "literally so f--king BORING" (when asked on Twitter to suggest a pledge nickname, Martinson picked, "Lumpy the F----t"). It's like someone wrote in her yearbook, "Don't ever change" and she's running with it.
Running right to BroBible.com, where she has been enlisted to pen her own advice column, the first installment called, "A Guide to Getting a Guy to Text You the Morning After." Below, all the highlights:
6. We Got a Shout-Out! Rebecca starts off her column by noting how many times her roommates have moped around their apartment waiting for a guy they met at a bar to text. And she wants E! to intervene:
"There needs to be a public service announcement on E! in the middle of a Kardashians episode that says, ‘ATTENTION: NO SANE MAN GOES TO THE BAR TO NOT TRY TO STICK IT IN…HE IS NOT THERE TO HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR NEW SHADES OF NAIL POLISH. HE IS THERE TO GIVE YOU THE D FOR FREE'"
We'll consider it. But only if it's a newsflash—oh wait, DOUBLE F--KING NEWSFLASH.
5. The Art of, Uh, Flirting: Rebecca's advice for making a memorable impression is to "only half put out" ("an over the pants handy, whatever"). This is, literally, a da Vinci-approved art form: "The morning after he's going to remember the girl that proudly displayed her thong on her back like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre while rubbing it on his junk, not the nice Communications major that like, is so like into like, something he doesn't remember."
4. Reminder: Don't Be So F--king Awkward: There are many ways to make an exit, but Rebecca suggests "Run awayyy!" She then notes, "Not literally because that would look stupid." Thanks for clarifying, girl!
3. #HumbleBrag: Rebecca accidentally gives good advice at one point, writing: "I'm pretty sure no one does this anymore, but for those of you that do the ‘wait 3 days before you text' thing, stop it." Almost. Then she continues, "Like I said, I've never had someone wait 3 days so I don't think this rule even exists, but just in case you think it does, it doesn't."
2. What WoMen Want: If you want a guy to like you ("not just because he's tryna get it in but because he enjoys you as a person"), then, as Rebecca points out, "Don't talk about super girly s--t." An alternate subject: Sports.
Just make sure you consult her previous musing on sports so you don't end up acting "f--king WEIRD."
1. This: "Personally I try not to get my spread eagle on until at least the third time I meet up with him. That's usually how long it takes for a guy to realize I'm not some sugar t--t...and by then he usually finds talking to me to be amusing to some degree."
What a lady.