YouTubeIt's time for Paula Deen to brush off resume.doc, because the controversial chef (controversial as a chef—she uses a lot of butter!—and controversial as a person—she uses the N-word!) has been fired.
Paula was first dumped by Food Network. Then she was dropped by Smithfield Foods, where she has had her signature line of hams. And her QVC deal is also in jeopardy. So what's a Southern-fried gal to do?
Well, funny you should ask:
1. Return to Catering: Paula started her business with $200 and a dream. She created her very own catering company and we bet she could drum up business again, shilling bread pudding at those #TeamPaul parties.
2. Take Up Butter Sculpting: We know Paula loves her butter (she has her own line of it), so it's time she officially make that her life's passion. Butter carving at state fairs will not only nurture her artistic side, but there's money in it if you win (we think).
3. Interior Decorate Bathrooms: Paula's bathroom has an antique tub, beautiful dark chocolate furniture and plenty of comfortable seating. Basically, it's paradise—certainly, it's at least a nice play to relax as your world crumbles around you. Which makes it good enough for our everyday problems. Paula, could you help us pick out a swatch?
4. Reinvent Herself as a Sheller: Paula could step out of the limelight for a while, clean up her image through some work with the NAACP and come back with her own crafting show, where she'll shell. What's shelling? It's basically just gluing shells on to stuff. And Paula loves it.
5. Work on a Tugboat: Paula married Michael Groover in 2004. He is a tugboat captain. Who better to show Paula the ways of nautical life? We can just imagine her rubbing elbows with all those able-bodied seamen while wearing a cute knit cap.
6. Work on a Cruise Ship: If not a tugboat, how about a luxurious cruise liner! Her celebrity cruises are selling like (deep-fried then doused in syrup) hotcakes right now. We can just imagine Paula wearing one of those cute little casino outfits as she deals blackjack or calling Bingo. I-15, y'all! (Watch out for the N column, Paula.)
7. Become a Full-Time Actress: Paula made her big-screen debut in the Orlando Bloom-Kirsten Dunst flick Elizabethtown, playing—can you imagine?!—a kooky Southern aunt. We're sure other movies will need to cast kooky Southern aunts. Here's Paula's headshot. She's SAG eligible.
8. Work as an Event Planner: As long as she stays away from more controversial party themes, like, say, slavery, Paula seems to be able to throw together a halfway decent shindig. Weddings, bar mitzvahs, birthdays, etc.—any event you want served up with a healthy side of peanut-butter cheese fudge, Parties by Paula has you covered!
9. Record Audio Books for Erotica: While her use of the N-word ("Of course!") was the biggest bomb Paula dropped during her deposition, some other tidbits are as follows: She doesn't have a problem with pornography. Or saying words like p---y. So why not mix and slap her soothing Southern voice on some audio books? For mommy porn.
10. Write Erotica: See job No. 9. Then just have Paula sit down at a computer (typewriter?) and see what kind of sexy fantasies, possibly involving dripping butter on your lover and licking it off, possibly not, she can put down on paper. If E.L. James can do it (Fifty Shades of Grey), Paula surely can too (Fifty Shades of Gravy).
11. Become a Professional Gambler: Paula is apparently a self-described "slot slut" who just looooooooooves the casino. It's not hard to transition then into a fanny pack and adult diaper (you can't leave your machine when it's hot) and start a Vegas residency. By which we mean, she lives in Vegas and gambles all the time.
12. Take on the Persona of Old Katy Perry: Did you know that if you Photoshop Katy Perry's face onto Paula Deen's body, it's still Paula Deen?! Here's the proof. We're not sure exactly what the job specifics are here, but you can pretty much get paid for anything these days.
13. Nothing: She's rich!