Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images
Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images
After a big, breaded week of Paula Deen and her admitted use of the N-word, she's been officially dropped by the Food Network, and also lost her deal with Smithfield Foods. While one might assume Paula doesn't have a plan--aside from guzzling freshly-squeezed gravy on a porch swing--we actually discovered a cover letter that she wrote and submitted to Monster.com. That said, we were both surprised and disappointed by her lack of expertise in the buttering-up department.
To Whom It May Concern:
What do you call a black production assistant working at the Food Network? Gosh darnit, I'll tell you at my interview!!
It's what I do for a living, y'all. But I don't just cook food. I cook excitement. In the kitchen, of course!
I think that y'all will find that I'm smart, just like Urkel. And that I have discerning taste, like the proper one from that Cosby Show spin-off. And when I get into the kitchen, I have the energy of Maya Angelou at one of her Def Leppard Comedy Jams!
You may have heard some rumors about me, and that's alright! These rumors were spread by the black folks who worked for me. Sure, I used some unfair language. But what people don't know is that I never would have hired black people to begin with! Thinking back, I'll bet you anything it was that 'affirmative action' that got them there. Or maybe a basketball scholarship!
And as you know, there's NO place for basketball in the kitchen. There are too many fragile dishes, and, apparently, people! And now the blacks are saying they're offended by my published deposition. That's a downright lie, since we all know--sure as sugar--most of those folks can't even read! And by the way, y'all should know I'm actually a huge fan of blacks. Why, you ask? Because none of them are ever anorexic.
Now let me share with you a story. My grandmamma always said, "There are two pies in the oven. One for eating, and one to use in case you need to cover up the fact that you ate the other one. Also, I hate black people." Dear Ma'am or Sir, let me into your kitchen, and I won't need that second pie. Because I have Type 2 Diabetes.
Ain't that just the deep fried-chicken without the sausage-gravy glaze? Ain't that just the bacon macaroni without the extra-bubbling crust?
Ain't that just the Beyonce without the Kelly and their other friend? Y'all heard me loud and clear. Put a ring on it! I love that song. Did y'all ever see Amistad? I love that Eddie Murphy.
I guarantee that if you hire me, you will never look back; especially not to the early 1800s when my family owned some of your family. Now we're all in the family! Moving on up! Dynomite! I just know y'all will find me to be energetic, decisive, and wear lots of sunny pastels--unless, of course, you people at Popeye's require a uniform--or FUBU! Love that, too.
P.S. I promise not to use the N-word if y'all hire me. Unless that's something that you guys are ok with! ;)