Jackson Lee / Splash News
Bethenny Frankel is finally opening up about her sad divorce from ex-hubby Jason Hoppy.
"I kind of sway between being frayed and stressed and on the brink in some ways; wracked with nerves, and then feeling OK and certain," Frankel, who split with Hoppy in December and filed for divorce in January, reveals to People. "This is my life now."
The 42-year-old former Real Housewives star says she had feelings early in the relationship that the two might not last. "Maybe that's the first lesson I learned: to go with my gut," she said. "Because I waited a long time to see if I even wanted to be in this relationship. I didn't go with my first instinct."
After giving birth to their daughter, Bryn, in May 2010, Frankel says her and Hoppy's marriage really began to fall apart amid fights and couple's therapy sessions.
"I felt like there was an expectation to be someone that I wasn't," she dished. "My marriage made me feel like I was a bad person, like I was damaged, I was dysfunctional, I was never going to be happy. But I don't believe that to be true. Yet there I was—in a relationship that made me feel that way."
Frankel and Hoppy are currently headed for a trial to make decisions in their ongoing divorce case, which involves custody of 3-year-old Bryn.
"Because of Bryn, I can never say, ‘I wish this had never happened,'" she explained. "I have a beautiful child who I love so much, who is a part of both of us. In my marriage, I made a mistake. It is what it is. I made the wrong choice. But I do have my daughter, who is so beautiful and amazing in every way."
Throughout the divorce proceedings, Frankel, Hoppy and Bryn still currently live together in NYC. "My living situation is very, very stressful," she said. "I don't think it's very healthy for anyone involved. It's very upsetting. You just have to endure it."
As for what Frankel thinks of Hoppy's decision to continue wearing his wedding ring? "It's an interesting choice," she said, adding, "I don't understand it."
Frankel said, "When the clouds pass, I will figure out what the silver lining was."