If you haven't seen "The Other Woman" yet, please await further instructions.
If you have, make sure your bunny isn't numbered, take your ham out of the oven and join us for a hike toward the Tempest...
FLASHBACK TO THE FUTURE: OBLIGATORY TEMPEST QUOTE
We all were sea-swallow'd, though some cast again:
And by that destiny, to perform an act
Whereof what's past is prologue, what to come
In yours and my discharge.
—The Tempest, by William Shakespeare; Antonio, act 2, scene 1
WHAT WE LEARNED
Island Dating 101: If a pathological liar/killer/sociopath invites you over for a "dinner party," it's best to check that there are indeed other people on the guest list—and if not, throw a healthy dose or rat poison or a shiv into your basket o' baked goodies. Also, a married man whose wife is a bitch-freak ice queen who works for said sociopath is not a viable dating option. It seems our beautiful, smarty-pants Dr. Burke makes very poor choices when it comes to men. Dr. Phil, can you step in?
Juliet's ex-husband, dearly departed lover and current creepy stalker all make Jack look positively ideal. And speaking of the doc, is it just me or is season four being particularly good to Jack Shephard? He seems warmer and humbler, and I'm diggin' it.
Dr. Burke and Dr. Shephard Kissed! It would've been way more fascinating if Dr. Burke and Dr. Shephard kissed on Grey's Anatomy, but it was sweet and passionate and I'll take it.
Others in Love: Wow. So, last season, Ben told Sawyer, "A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody...I tell you, I tell you a guy gets too lonely and he gets sick." Apparently, he wasn't just talking about Sawyer and Kate—he was talking about himself and flippin' Juliet! Loneliness causes spinal tumors! This is going to drive eHarmony stock through the roof!
Time Travel: God bless the writers' forthcoming time-travel entanglements, for they will finally explain how it's supposed to be 2004 on the Island but Walt has peach fuzz, Claire has skinny jeans, and Juliet and Goodwin sipped tonight from wine glasses from the 2007 Crate and Barrel collection. (Ask any 2007 bride.)
Locke Is Getting Played! Obviously, it's an absurdly lame idea that Charles Widmore is coming to Lost Island to exploit John's miracle-leg miracle, but that's exactly the thing Locke is most afraid of, so Ben told him that lie to get Locke to trust and cooperate with him. Evil. Genius. Scary as all hell.
Girlfight!! How awesome was that smackdown between Charlotte and Juliet? Almost as awesome as Elizabeth Mitchell teasing to me last week that the two femme fatales would "tumble" but Juliet is bigger and "meatier" and Charlotte is "scrappy" and doesn't stand a chance. Ha! Here's hoping for a rematch—with Kate thrown in the mix.
Q for You: Harper says Ben fancies Juliet because, she says, "You look just like her." Um, who? Who's running around with Juliet's face? And where can I get one? That girl is purty.
Playing Doctor? Okay, so if Goodwin was banished to the tail section because of the gross little Benry-Juliet-Goodwin triangle, are we to believe Ethan was also being hung out to dry when he was sent to infiltrate the fuselage survivors? It's worth noting that Ethan was also a doctor, which might have meant a lot of quality time with Juliet. Could an Ethan exile have been some kind of preemptive strike to get rid of him? (If so, Ben better hope Ethan's real-life cousin Mr. Cruise doesn't find out. That man's connected.)
Geek Love: I adore Professor Daniel Faraday. He's soooo cute. Can we pleeeease keep him? Please, Darlton! We promise to walk him and fill his water bowl every day. Promise!! (Metaphor getting creepy? Yep. Sorry. But Daniel's still great.)
Bad Dad! Bad Dad! Alan Dale should get some lifetime achievement award for his parade of marvelously malicious patriarchs! Wow. So, according to Ben, Charles Widmore knows about the Island—and is not a fan. Any chance this whole series is all just a big wacky sitcom misunderstanding involving the skeptical father-in-law (Widmore), the ne'er-do-well suitor (Des) and the pretty pretty princess (Penny)? In any case, I'm guessing Penny doesn't know that her dad has Desmond right where he wants him (far away from her), but when she finds out...that's going to be quite the father-daughter squabble. (Hmmm...Maybe Dr. Phil should come to this island.)
Really, Kate? Kate really went all the way to New Otherton to find out if the Freighters knew she was a fugitive? I'm not buying it. I think she went all the way to New Otherton to find out if Sawyer wanted to be her baby daddy, but I guess that fugitive cover story will have to do for now.
No Missions for Pregnant Chicks! Dear Jack, I love ya man, but the jungle is infested with polar bears and monsters and Freighters and Others. Did Sun the pregnant chick really need to go out there to look for Daniel and Charlotte? Shouldn't you have sent her instead for a prenatal massage at the Freighter spa?
Dead Pregnant Ladies We Have Known: First, there was Sabine. When we first learned last year that pregnancies were fatal, Sabine was the first Other-mother we were introduced to. Tonight, there was Henrietta. What do you want to bet that in Ben's next flashback we learn that an all-grown-up Annie (his onetime childhood sweetheart) was another Other-mother with a really bad autoimmune response to pregnancy...
Pseudoscience Is Fun: "The white blood cell count plummets," and "It's like the immune system turns on the fetus." Not that any of this is real, but doesn't that seem contradictory? Wouldn't the mother's white blood cell counts increase so the cells could more aggressively attack the unfamiliar organism (i.e., the fetus)? Declining white cell counts usually signal collapsing or diminishing immune responses...right? Scientists, doctors and Nobel Prize winners in prenatal research, please comment below.
Human Subjects Research? For what it's worth, the Island pregnancy disorder sounds a lot like Rh disease, but that's usually only fatal for the fetus, not for the mother. However, you can "vaccinate" against Rh disease, even though it's not an infection, per se. (By the way, according to Wikipedia, the cure for Rh disease was discovered—for reals—using rabbits as test subjects!) I wonder if in the Lost world all the belly needles and vaccines and creepy medications and maternal blood work are trials using human subjects. Does Ben want to kidnap the pregnant women so he can experiment on them? If the cures work, great; if they don't, no big...the women weren't natives anyway, right?
WHAT LIES AHEAD
Sun has only three weeks to get off the Island or she'll croak. And here's a curious thought: Is that three weeks in Island time or real-world time? We now know that time on the Island moves more slowly than elsewhere. So, is a Lost-island pregnancy still nine months? Or is it longer? Or could it even be shorter because her body is on real-world time even though her mind is perceiving Island time? Yunjin Kim would probably love to know for Hawaii real-estate planning purposes.
Oh, and is it just me or is that woman they show in the promo jumping off of the boat way overaccessorized? What Not to Wear tip 4,815,162,342: When jumping into the deep blue sea, it's best to leave your massive Mr. T chains at home for another occasion.
—Additional reporting by Jennifer Godwin