Gil: Say, everybody. We're Gil and Phil.
Phil: We flew in from the Catskills and boy, are our jokes tired!
Gil: Make sure to leave a little something for your waitstaff.
Phil: And make it more than "just the tip."
Gil: Anyway, we heard the awful news about Snoop Dogg's 4/20 party getting shut down!
Phil: In other words, he blacked out.
Gil: Well, I was sad to hear about police shutting down Farrah Abraham's sex party.
Phil: They had to! Someone forgot to hit "record."
Gil: Did you hear Madonna's concert was shut down due to filthiness?
Phil: No one cared enough to mop the venue beforehand.
Gil: Well, it's too bad to hear the police won't let Tan Mom out in the sun.
Phil: Yes, but now the neighbors have a tolerable view.
Gil: Did you hear police shut down Lindsay's Klepto-party?
Phil: By the time the guests arrived there was nothing left to steal!
Gil: Did you know that the police arrested Gordon Ramsay for screaming?
Phil: Everyone knows you moan when making love to beef wellington.
Gil: Well, did you hear that Paula Deen got arrested for using too much ranch dressing?
Phil: Why, when there are such better remedies for vaginal dryness??
Gil: Police also shut down the Kardashian family talent show.
Phil: Unfortunately they don't consider "doing nothing" a talent.
Gil: Thanks, we're here all week.
Phil: No we're not. Everyone hates us.