Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Coachella 2013


Coachella weekend one is officially over. Which means, yes, there's an impending second weekend of the musical festival (prepare yourself for the onslaught of Instagrams now).

It also means that, after a brief hibernation period in which your friends who "Coachilled" last weekend finally sober up, they're going to want to relive all the moments from their "Greatest. Weekend. Ever!!!!!!!"

Assuming you didn't go, this will leave you without much to contribute to the conversation. Until now! Just follow this handy guide and you will be as Coachella-saavy as the people who actually went:

The Performances:

There were no holograms this year (make a point to comment on how you were disappointed that there were no holograms), but there were other buzzworthy performances to discuss.

The biggest moment of weekend one? Phoenix's special (surprise!) guest: R. Kelly. And together they performed a mix of "Ignition" and "1901." Wait, what?! Yeah, it happened. And you can watch it here:

Other notable acts: Red Hot Chili Peppers closed the festival:

And, to earn some Chella cred, talk about smaller name acts. Like James Blake:

Or Major Lazer:

And Baauer, he of the "Harlem Shake" viral video infamy, DJed a set that included the hit. If you're bold enough to try and convince people that you actually went to Coachella, say you were super messed up for all this:

Vanessa Hudgens, Coachella 2013


Celeb Talking Points:

Coachella is a big time celebrity stomping ground and you're just as likely to bump into Katy Perry or Kate Bosworth as you're navigating the crowd as you are finding that friend that you lost somewhere by the Porta Potties on Friday.

Try some of these lines out to impress your starstruck friends:

• "Vanessa Hudgens totally has the best Coachella style. We were wearing the same skirt on day two!"

• "Did you know Leonardo DiCaprio was there?! Did you see him?! My friend Cody said he saw him!"

• "I think I saw Paris Hilton at Neon Carnival. It was definitely Paris Hilton. I think."

• "Oh my God! Alexander Skarsgård totally tried to grind on me during The XX. Are you totally jealous?"

Coachella 2013, Atmosphere

Melissa Hebeler

Common Complaints:

As much as Coachella-goers love gushing over having the best time of their entire lives (Like, no other time was ever better. You can't top this. Don't ever bother trying. Sorry you missed out!), they tend to complain more about what was wrong and then casually through in "so-and-so band was dope" from time to time.

Try out some of these:

• "Ugh, parking is the worst there. Like, we might as well have walked from L.A."

• "Ugh, it was so hot. It was definitely like 100 degrees all the time."

• "Ugh, I lost my sunglasses sometime between 2 Chainz and Tegan and Sara."

• "Ugh, the WiFi totally sucked. I couldn't even Instagram the Ferris wheel."

• "Ugh, some bitch was totally wearing the same hippie headband as me!"

• "Ughghgh, I think I'm permafried now..." 

And that's basically all it takes.

If you decide to just be open and honest about not being into Coachella, trying screaming "MORE LIKE NOCHELLA" or smugly quip that you went to "Couchella" instead. Or, ya know, just find new friends.

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