BRAND NEW ON E!
Chuy has come to the unfortunate realization that he's not a little nugget anymore – he's more of an overweight nugget that needs to hit the gym ASAP. He recruits Chris to help him out by telling him it's a life-or-death emergency.
Chris: "Do you have any medical problems?"
Chuy: "Sometimes I have problems breathing when I f*ck."
Chris: "That means you're probably doing it right."
In the middle of their conversation about how unsafe they feel walking through the parking garage at night, Jiffy, Jen, and Sarah get a surprise visit from TJ Miller as he busts into the room and starts spitting out self-defense "facts."
TJ Miller: "Every 46 seconds a woman in America is assaulted. That's almost a woman a minute. And over 25% of those attacks happen in a public place, such as a garage or an open oil field."
It turns out TJ has been making a series of idiotic self-defense videos and wants the staff to support his new venture (spoiler alert: TJ knows nothing about self-defense).
Chelsea breaks the news that she will be taking the staff on a writers retreat in Cabo San Lucas, which everyone is psyched about. Unfortunately, throughout the day, she continues to downgrade the trip – from a vacation in Cabo San Lucas, to a trip to Napa Valley, to a fancy dinner out on the town, to a fancy dinner at her house, to ordering in Chinese food and eating it in their pajamas on her couch.
Brad: "If you guys owned a Chinese restaurant, what would you call it?"
Sarah: "Sum Dum Ho."
Chris: "I would call mine, Rice, Rice, Baby."
Brad: "I would call mine, What's Your Mongolian Beef?"
By the time they get to her house for the dinner, Chelsea has taken a Xanax and goes to bed immediately (aka, just typical night for Ms. Handler).
While the staff eats dinner at Chelsea's, Chuy accidentally straps himself into a fitness machine at the office gym and is forced to sleep there overnight. The writers find him the next day passed out, still strapped to the machine, as techno music blasts over the speakers. Thankfully, he survived the night – although nobody seems all that concerned about him.
Jiffy: "Do you think if Chuy would have died we would have canceled the show today?"
Chris: "Nah, we would have found someone else to do it."
Tune in Mondays at 10:30/9:30c for new episodes of After Lately!