The 2013 Oscars are finally here, and so all the shocks and surprises you've been anticipating about stars such as Jennifer Lawrence, Ben Affleck, Daniel Day-Lewis, Anne Hathaway, and movies like Lincoln, Argo, Silver Linings Playbook and more are happening tonight. Plus, things you weren't expecting, like a tie or Channing Tatum dancing with Charlize Theron or Jack Nicholson introducing first lady Michelle Obama or the show ending in under three hours.
Plus, we find out how far host Seth MacFarlane decides to go in front of the massive world audience. (The answer: pretty far.)
But one thing is a lock tonight: This is the only awards show where Homeland isn't going to win everything.
So let's get to all the surprising, shocktastic moments of the 2013 Oscars.
Biggest Future Shock: Nobody would ever expect to see William Shatner at the Oscars, but there he was as Star Trek's Capt. Kirk in an opening sequence that allowed Seth MacFarlane to trot out a whole bunch of inappropriate material. Using new technology for inane purposes—isn't that what the App store is for?
Biggest Boob: Though there was plenty of worry about what MacFarlane would say in his monologue, perhaps not enough worry was expended on what he would sing. Case in point: "We Saw Your Boobs," the Oscar host's celebration of some women's body of work.
That Totally Socks: Considering it features drinking, drugs and inappropriate behavior, we wouldn't be surprised if MacFarlane's retelling of Flight with sock puppets becomes his next Fox TV show.
Did You Know Channing Tatum Was Nominated for an Oscar? Well, he wasn't. But we'll give host MacFarlane one thing: He found more than one way to get the unnominated hunky Magic Mike star onstage, thereby ensuring the Oscar trophy wasn't the only guy who looks stunning shirtless.
First Big Shocker: Christoph Waltz won the supporting actor award, gave a calm, thoughtful speech and pretty much ensured we'd be losing the office pool.
Did You Remember to Say Thank You: The winners of both animated awards made sure to thank their kids, who in today's Hollywood are way more powerful than agents. Plus, children don't scream and cry nearly as much.
Worst Loss: The Academy only nominated The Avengers for one film, but they at least allowed them to get on stage and present the award to the film that beat them. That's some super villain stuff right there.
Best New Element: Instead of playing off long-winded speeches with gently swelling music, this year's awards introduced the theme from Jaws to shut down speeches, and well, it worked.
Worst New Element: Lumping the nine Best Picture nominees into three groups was good math, but it made a mess for the presenters to introduce and was confusing to the audience, who didn't know where or when to clap.
Big Rewindable Moment: All those musical numbers from past films had us reliving winners from Oscars past, or at least wondering if Chicago had really come out this year. Nothing celebrates film acting like making movie stars perform like Broadway stars. (That said, the numbers were actually quite good—and Adele was probably best of all—if just overlong in the end.)
Joy of Seth? What do you think of MacFarlane—funny, foul or flat?
Biggest Shocker: A tie! The sound editing category awarded Oscars to Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall. Also, shocking? Both winning teams had guys with super-long blond hair. Weird.
Least Shocking: Anne Hathaway won the supporting actress award, which was as unsurprising as the fate of her character in Les Misérables.
Less Said: Sure, MacFarlane took some shots at big stars from Affleck to George Clooney to every woman in that boob song, but what was really interesting was when he didn't take a shot at someone, like presenter John Travolta, or just introduced a category with no added zinger.
Most Successful: The stars of Harry Potter and the Twilight franchise, Daniel Radcliffe and Kristen Stewart, handed out a gold statuette, which ensured that tweens would recognize at least two stars tonight.
To Die For: The "In Memoriam" segment was, thankfully, not funny.
Long Pause: Renée Zellweger looked dynamite onstage with her Chicago (yes, again!) costars, but weirdly didn't read the winner when Richard Gere held the open envelope out for her (but Queen Latifah jumped in and did it).
Biggest Surprise: Not only did Ben Affleck not win the Best Direction award, neither did Steven Spielberg. Ang Lee won, continuing Life of Pi's late-breaking success story.
Most Honest Audience Reaction: Kristen Stewart looked totally over it as the show passed the three-hour mark. We did, too.
Best Rebound: Jennifer Lawrence tripped on her way onstage to collect her Oscar, but she came back with a winning speech that made hope she was OK. (We're pretty sure she is.)
Weirdest Couple: First lady Michelle Obama and Jack Nicholson helped present the Best Picture award, and we'll be pondering that duo long after this show finally ends.
Argo After Me: Argo producer Grant Heslov steered a ready-to-speak Ben Affleck away from the microphone...so he could introduce him, before finally giving way to let Affleck to rush through his speech. Still, watching Affleck choke up while saying good night to his children made the whole 14-hour ordeal worth it.
Biggest Question: So, after all that, what'd you think of the show, the choices and the host?