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Graham Norton, Mark Wahlberg

We're not saying Mark Wahlberg was drunk during his recent appearance on The Graham Norton Show. But as he says (slurs): "I feel really good."

He continued, "Why would you allow people to drink alcohol and come on a show in the evening? It's a recipe for disaster." Or a recipe for hilarity.

If you have 45 minutes free, the entire show is a goldmine. The Broken City star sips red wine (to which Graham exclaims, "I don't know what château that red wine came from, but my god!"), showcases his extensive knowledge of Wreck-It Ralph (Sarah Silverman is a guest) and, at one point, targets Michael Fassbender, "I heard he's good at voices. So if he's good at voices, I want to challenge you. I want to challenge you to a big d--k contest."

If you only have a few minutes, watch the last video, where Mark commandeers a lever and all hell breaks loose.

For those who can't watch all the videos, here's the summary:

Mark was all like:

Mark Wahlberg GIF

Sarah was all like:

Mark Wahlberg GIF

And Michael was all like:

Mark Wahlberg GIF

Us too, Fassbender, us too.

So was he three sheets to the wind? We may never know. But Donnie Wahlbergexplained it this way: "Few people in the world know how funny, the funny side of, my lil' bro @mark_wahlberg actually is. Until tonight perhaps. He's a cheeky one."

And thus was born our new favorite excuse, "I'm not drunk! I'm just cheeky!"