Judging by a quick survey of the real-world celebrities depicted in Trey Parker and Matt Stone's animated raunch-fest, you're going to...do nothing.
And, perhaps most importantly, you're going to say nothing. (After all, playing dead does work wonders in discouraging wild beasts.)
Here's a roundup of reactions (and/or non-reactions) from some of the victims, er, notables from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut:
Who: Bill Gates, Microsoft chairman.
On-screen indignity: Shot in face.
Reaction: "No comment," per a Microsoft spokeswoman.
Who: Brian Boitano, champion figure skater.
On-screen indignity: Subject of actually rather inspirational tune, "What Would Brian Boitano Do?"
Reaction: Currently in Europe--and apparently unawares, although previously said to be cool with South Park. (He was referenced in Parker and Stone's infamous Jesus-versus-Santa Claus clip that inspired the TV series.) In general, says publicist Steven Rowley, "I think he has an excellent sense of humor about that."
Who: Mohandas Gandhi, beloved liberator of India (slain in 1948).
On-screen indignity: Depicted as a resident of hell.
Reaction: None. "No one here has seen the movie," says Jenny Case, of the M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence, in Tennessee.
Who: Brooke Shields, TV star.
On-screen indignity: Slapped in face.
Reaction: Currently in Egypt--and apparently unawares.
Who: Saddam Hussein, Iraqi president.
On-screen indignity: Killed, sent to hell, paired off romantically with Satan.
Reaction: None (thankfully--for the sake of world peace). "I don't think anybody has seen it here...I doubt the ambassador has seen it," a staffer at the Iraq embassy in New York.
Who: Billy Baldwin, actor/member of the Baldwin Brothers.
On-screen indignity: Blown up, along with siblings.
Reaction: Unknown. (Calls to rep not returned.) In real life, survived the bomb that was Fair Game.
Who: Satan, ruler of the netherworld.
On-screen indignity: Paired off romantically with Saddam Hussein, forced to sing Disney-esque power ballad, "Up There."
Reaction: "Of course, I've never seen the movie...[But] in general, I'm sure I wouldn't find it offensive at all," notes John Dewey, high priest with the First Church of Satan, in Salem, Massachusetts. "...I have nothing against homosexuality."