After being bumped 1,205 times over 10 years, Matt Damon has finally exacted his revenge on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
"Welcome to tonight's episode of Jimmy Kimmel Sucks," Damon greeted the audience Thursday, standing in as host for the tied-up Jimmy Kimmel. "Just for starters, let me ask you guys this: As an audience, is it weird to see a person with actual talent host this show?
"I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time," the actor continued. "This is like the time I lost my virginity, except this is going to last way longer than one second." And presumably a few more A-listers were involved tonight.
First off, Kimmel's devoted sidekick Guillermo? Out, in favor of Damon's sidekick, Andy Garcia (who, yes, spoke with Guillermo's accent.)
But Damon's revenge scenario didn't play out exactly as he envisioned, thanks to Ben Affleck holding up cue cards that promoted Kimmel as funny, smart, good to his family and "an excellent lover."
"I'm sorry!" Affleck protested. "Forget it, Matt. I couldn't do it to Jimmy!"
"He doesn't even love you like I love you! You'll see!" Damon promised his longtime BFF as Affleck stormed offstage.
The Bourne Identity star further upped the ante with a slew of celebrity testimonials wishing him well on his hosting gig, the well-wishers including Jennifer Lopez, Sally Field, John Krasinski, Robert De Niro, Don Cheadleand...Oprah Winfrey!
"You have a gift, my friend," Winfrey said. "Not everybody can host a show. I know that is true. Great job."
Damon also toko the opportunity to explain the origins of his beef with Kimmel. Or is it the other way around?
"Jimmy always wanted to be an actor," Damon explained, "and, unfortunately for him, I beat him out for every role he ever truly wanted. Jimmy has auditioned for every movie I've ever been in, every single one of them. How many did he get? None. So, he hates me."
Cue the footage of Kimmel trying out for Good Will Hunting, The Adjustment Bureau, The Bourne Ultimatum, We Bought a Zoo, Stuck on You and more. Emily Blunt and Greg Kinnear showed up to read some lines, as well.
Finally, the parade of guests began, starting with Nicole Kidman (who would never do Kimmel's show because he "f--king sucks"), Gary Oldman and Amy Adams. Heck, Damon even got Reese Witherspoon to come in off the street after a liquor-buying spree at BevMo and Demi Moore left her bike with Andy Garcia and stopped by for a few minutes, too.
"Is there anything you'd like to say to Jimmy?" Damon asked, gesturing to the still-tied-up-and-gagged late-night host. "He's a captive audience."
Silverman looked at her ex for a second and said, "No, I'm good."