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Golden Globes Best & Worst: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Lincoln and Clinton, Homeland and Porn

Claire Danes, Bill Clinton, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lawrence, Daniel Day-Lewis Paul Drinkwater/NBC

The Golden Globes turned 70 this year, but Hollywood's goofiest awards show showed no signs of growing up and getting serious....well, unless, you count the surprise appearance for a former president.

With stars like Taylor Swift , Jodie Foster, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lawrence, Lena Dunham, Robert Downey Jr.., Kristen Wiig, Daniel Day-Lewis, Damien Lewis, Claire Danes, as well as Lincoln, Homeland, Modern Family among the nominees, cohosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a lot ot talk about and oh, they did. Let's get to the best, worst and silliest moments of the Golden Globes.

Get the best red carpet quotes from the Golden Globes

Best Opening Monologue: Amy Poehler and Tina Fey started off a little slow before breaking into a terrific string of jokes that involved Anne Hathaway and porn, Quentin Tarantino-inspired sexual nightmares and, of course, James Cameron-inspired torture.

Biggest Shocker: Jodie Foster's lifetime achievement award speech was a rambling, jokey, suddenly serious speech in which she seemed ready to share some personal secrets before instead issuing a strongly worded argument in favor of privacy and a life lived not on reality TV. The speech was kind of all over the place, not to mention kind of a knock against those who have chosen to come out in public about aspects of their lives, but it was pretty gripping if you stuck with it.

Other Really Big Shocker: Ben Affleck won the award for best direction, and I think everyone was happily shocked—including his ex Jennifer Lopez, who could be seen giving him a standing ovation. Though, it must be noted, Ben did initially forget to thank producer George Clooney, so we wonder if that means they're going to later break up.

Not-as-Big a Shocker: In a night of many good jokes and serious speeches, jaws still dropped when Fey and Poehler, in a sassy fake drunk bit, suggested that Taylor Swift make a play for Michael J. Fox's son. How good was a bit was it? Well, they didn't cut to Swift's reaction, so you'll just have to guess. (But the Fox kid's famous dad was smiling, so there's that.)

Not the Least Bit Shocking: Daniel Day-Lewis won for Lincoln, and sometimes it's fine not to be surprised because he was amazing.

New mom Claire Danes just doesn't want to leak on the red carpet

Worst Kiss: Much-beloved Robert Downey Jr. smooched the cheek of pal Mel Gibson, but unfortunately RDJ's charm did not rub off. (Which is fine, since he later gave a hugely entertaining speech honoring Jodie Foster.)

Most Presidential: Bill Clinton came out to introduce Lincoln, and probably could have convinced the crowd to nominate a Lincoln-Clinton ticket had he just asked.

Easiest Controversy: During his Game Change acceptance speech, Jay Roach cracked a joke about Sarah Palin, which pretty much ensured that the movie would once again be a topic of political conversation and/or your to-be-watched list.

Best Speech: Jennifer Lawrence's jokes about beating Meryl Streep and Harvey Weinstein killing people to get her up onstage were shocking, funny and totally accepted by the room—if not a blogging Lindsay Lohan—and pretty showed that she can charm the pants off the whole Hollywood elite.

Check out the sexy, shirtless...Ricky Gervais!

Best Ad-Lib: In a snafu, Paul Rudd was left staring at what was apparently to be a blank Teleprompter, before finally uttered a "Hello" that spoke volumes. We totally felt like we were on a Judd Apatow film set.

Second Best: Adele seemed to mouth a delighted "F--k!" upon hearing she'd won a Golden Globes, as well as adding she'd been "pissing herself laughing" about being out with the stars.

Other Big Surprises: The biggest? At one point, it might have been Quentin Tarantino's screenwriting win, until right after that the totally wonderful Don Cheadle totally won for that show that we've never seen. (But now we will!)

Second-Best Comedy Team: Hard to beat Tina and Amy, but Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were pretty good for a couple of guys we couldn't understand. At all.

Find out how Bill Clinton got there

Ricky Gervais Honorary Mention: Sacha Baron Cohen's faux-drunken rambling was filled with toilet humor, digs at his costars Russell Crowe and "Hugh Jackson" and a terribly inappropriate joke about a sexual massage provided by Helena Bonham-Carter. And we loved it.

Most Missed: If Game Change's Ed Harris was going to beat favorites like Eric Stonestreet and Mandy Patinkin, which he totally did, we wanted to at least see his reaction to doing it.

Best Moustache: While Tommy Lee Jones sported some wild facial fuzz, Bill Murray had the competition by a hair with a look appropriate for both 19th century Gilded Age robber baron and an aging Brooklyn hipster.

Most Historical: Lena Dunham offered a shout-out to Hilary Swank's ex Chad Lowe—who says kids today don't respect their elders (or know their award show comedy history).

Adele's going for an EGOT—read about it!

Most Dramatic: Catherine Zeta-Jones' introduction to the clips of Les Misérables had as much over-the-top drama as the French revolution-inspired musical. Actually, more.

Sassiest: Helen Mirren, as always, makes the most of the moment. Tonight she arched her eyebrow as the name of her film Hitchcock was read off, and suddenly it seemed kind of dirty.

Scariest Performance: Tommy Lee Jones' scowl during Kristin Wiig and Will Ferrell's hilarious introduction deserves its own award. Or security detail.

Worst Spoiler Alert: Homeland's producer totally told us which characters' died last season...when some of us are still watching season 1. We thought that info was classified, dude.

Most Professional: Anne Hathaway was kind of breathy and too surprised for some jaded viewers, but the Les Mis star spent a lot of much of her speech praising others such as Sally Field and her husband so you gotta give her credit for knowing how to craft a speech.

Worst Reaction: Though we're sure he was pleased to win, Kevin Costner looked sort of peeved when his name was first read, before offering a serious, dour speech that went on too long. Kind of like The Postman!

Best Capper: Argo won best picture, which could make Oscar night seem a little more interesting. Plus, we're just glad that Affleck won't have to answer any more snub questions.

2013 Golden Globes Arrivals

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