And you thought American Horror Story's first season was insane.
After what feels like an interminable wait, the FX thriller returns tonight with a season two reboot that dials up the crazy to 11, thanks to its East Coast sanitarium setting. At the center of this entirely different Story is returning star (and recent Emmy winner) Jessica Lange, who turns in another unforgettable performance as Sister Jude, a scarily devout 1960s-era nun who's all about imposing rules on others—but not above breaking a commandment or two herself.
Thanks to the so NSFW clip released last week, you already know that the premiere of Ryan Murphy's drama begins in the present day, with hot-and-bothered newlyweds Adam Levine and Jenna Dewan Tatum paying a visit to the long-shuttered asylum, Briarcliff Manor, as part of their "haunted honeymoon tour"—a decision they'd no doubt give an arm to take back.
Here, we bring you five more teases about tonight's bloody-good episode. Our advice: Strap yourself tight to a gurney, AHS fans, because it's gonna be one bumpy, out-of-this-world ride.
1. The Aliens are Coming! If you thought creator Ryan Murphy would wait an episode or two to ease into little-green-men territory, you thought wrong. Kit Walker (Evan Peters, suddenly sporting a mighty-fine six pack!) has an otherworldly encounter within the premiere's first half hour. And, folks, the experience ain't pretty. Let's just say that, in the flash of a few blinding lights, the guy goes from being a happily-married gas station attendant to an accused serial killer nicknamed "Bloody Face," who's primed to be this season's Big Bad, thanks to his penchant for decapitating women while—gulp—wearing a mask made of human flesh.
2. Jessica Lange Cooks up Some Trouble in Lingerie: The 60-something actress proves she's still got it when, during one memorable sequence, she sheds her nun's habit and robe and whips up a downright sinful coq au vin for Monsignor Timothy Howard (Joseph Fiennes) while wearing nothing more than a little red negligee.
3. Briarcliff Is No Place to Go Poking Around Alone: Sarah Paulson, who played a clairvoyant last season, has a bigger role this time around as ambitious reporter Lana Winters. Arriving at Briarcliff under the pretense of doing a puff piece on Sister Jude's bakery, she's actually determined to blow the lid off the whole crazy place. "Sister Jude calls this her stairway to heaven," jittery Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) informs Lana while ascending the asylum's imposing staircase. But by the end of the premiere, we're guessing Lana realizes it's actually the entryway to hell instead.
4. James Cromwell Will Get Under Your Skin: As Dr. Arthur Arden—a man of science who regularly clashes with Lange's woman of faith, the Oscar nominee runs Briarwood's medical unit. He may or may have something to do with the mysterious disappearance of several patients, but there's one thing we know for sure: The dude is beyond creepy. And he only gets creepier in the second episode.
5. What the $%#! Is in the Woods? Confession: We have absolutely no freakin' idea. But whatever it is has a ravenous appetite for meat. Seemingly of the human variety. Chew on that.
American Horror Story: Asylum premieres tonight at 10 pm.