If we didn't start this recap with a clever yet slightly cheesy Britney Spears reference would you hold it against us? (See what we did there?!)
Following another glorious hour with Britney on The X Factor, Glee tackled their second tribute episode in the pop princess' honor. And while we're still pretty upset that the Fox hit ignored our favorite tune of Brit's yet again ("Email My Heart" 4eva!), "Britney 2.0" gave us some pretty awesome covers of the pop princess, including "Gimme More" and "Oops...I Did It Again."
WHAT WE LEARNED:
The Rise and Fall of Brittany: While Brittany (Heather Morris) starts off the hour on top of the world (or, you know, like Jesus in the North Pole), things get rough for our one-liner machine after Sue (Jane Lynch) revokes her Head Cheerio title (And her high pony. Gasp!), giving the position to resident new bitch Kitty (Becca Tobin). Why? Because Brit managed to get an impressive F- on a test, drawing a crayon-scape of Happyville, where math was never invented and Kurt (Chris Colfer) and Rachel (Lea Michele) are in heaven, instead of answering any questions.
Between that and losing Santana to her cheerleading duties, Brittany has let herself go. Sporting an unironic t-shirt, a bacon addiction and cat troubles (Lord Tubbington has joined a gang), she's basically turned into June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Cue intervention from Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison), who makes this week's lesson "Britney 2.0" to lift Brittany's spirit.
The lesson doesn't go so well—instead of getting better, Brittany relives all of Britney's 2007 behavior (tries to shave her head, beats Jacob Israel up with an umbrella, inspires a fan to cry-defend her, develops a Cheetos addiction, etc.) in the span of five minutes.
Oh, but it gets worse. She then persuades the club (with some help from Kiki, Siri's jealous cousin) to let her lip-synch during the pep rally, leading to a re-enactment of Britney's now-infamous performance of "Gimme More" at the 2007 MTV VMAs. Of course, she's caught and jeopardizes the Glee club's future.
When Brittany resigns from New Directions, Sam (Chord Overstreet), our sweet, sweet angel Sam, realizes what she's doing: staging an epic breakdown, so she can have an even more epic comeback, just like her idol. And just like that, Brittany rises like a Phoenix from the ashes, getting a C- on her test (she used English!), properly identifying President Barack Obama (sorry, George Washington!) and getting back on the Cheerios.
As for Brittana, Santana makes her first (very quick) appearance of the season via Skype, but has to head to cheerleading practice. It's clear Brittany misses her (longingly staring at your computer, waiting for your girlfriend to sign on is the 2012 version of willing your crush to sign onto AIM and message you saying "SUP?"), but at least she has a new BFF in Sam. (Two Blondes, One Brain is basically their friendship motto.)
Rachel Gets Berry Sexy: First, let us quickly gush over how much we are already loving Rachel and Kurt as roommates in Bushwick and want to move in with them immediately. So. Freaking. Cute. OK, moving on: After being left out of a tango lesson by Cassandra (Kate Hudson) because she doesn't have any sex appeal, Rachel turns to the pretty sexy Brody (Dean Geyer) for help proving her wrong, which means they "table-hump" to "Oops...I Did It Again." (Pretty sure that's a TV first.)
Alas, Cassie isn't impressed, prompting Rachel to lose her cool and throw Cassie's big Broadway blunder in her beautiful face. Turns out, back in her Broadway days, Cassie infamously attacked a man who dared to answer his cell phone during her performance. Rachel's outburst doesn't end much better: She's kicked out of the class. But not for long! When Rachel apologizes, the super-flexible (seriously, damn!) Cassie explains that she's mean because Broadway is even meaner and she wants to prepare her students for what she wasn't equipped to handle ten years ago.
Before the paint even finishes drying on the heart with Finn's name in it Rachel painted on her brick wall, Brody stops by. Turns out, he took a 45-minute train ride just to give her an orchard. "I really liked dancing with you. And I think that you're really sexy," Brody says before trying to kiss her. Keyword: try. Rachel gently turns him down, but he proves to be persistent, telling her that whenever they hang out, "I'm thinking of kissing you." (Ooh, he's good.) But we can't help but think of Cassie's comment about his liking of "ingénues." Color us curious yet hesitant. And it seems Rachel is, too, as she paints over Finn's name on her wall. (Keep calm and Tumblr your despair, Finchel fans.)
Jarley Is On: Though Unique (Alex Newell) warns her that Jake (Jacob Artist) is a womanizer, Marley (Melissa Benoist) can't help but find herself drawn to the younger, slightly less badder Puckerman brother. (He rides a scooter, so we detracted major bad boy points there.) The two share a sweet moment on the bleachers and perform a swoon-worthy mash-up of "Drive Me Crazy" and Aerosmiths "Crazy." And when Jake gives her his leather jacket, it's clear Marley is head over heels.
Jake proves to be a good guy when he stands up to Kitty's two nameless henchmen after they rag on Marley and her lunch-lady mother. Will steps in and rather than give Jake another lecture that will fall on deaf ears, he brings in the big gun: Puck! Yes, Will dropped the brother-bomb on Puck, but he wasn't too surprised and gave Jake some tough love and the push he needed to finally join glee club. As for Puck, he's back to Los Angeles for a hot date with a former Bachelor contestant aka livin' his dream.
Alas, it wasn't exactly a happy ending (come on, it's only the second episode of the season), as Marley learns Jake is dating Kitty. We get taking baby steps to Jake and Marley's eventual relationship, but this felt a little too contrived for us. Just sayin'.
"Yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel."—Sue, on Brittany's negative influence on the Cheerios
"Think we can scissor-Skype later?"—Brittany, to Santana during their quick Skype date.
"Sorry, I'm late. Someone stole my compass." —Brittany, to Will and Emma, who makes her first appearance of the season trying to help Brittany out of her funk (and the grotsky clothes, too)
"New York Domino's is so much better than Lima's Domino's."—Rachel, who clearly needs to explore New York City. ASAP.
"Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek, those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal."—Cassie, on Rachel's performance
"You think you're a badass, I'm the original badass. I had my first threesome at 7 and once beat up a police horse."—Puck