Getty Images; AP Photo; Startraksphoto; SipaWell, shoot, we were totally prepared to note the Kate Middleton pregnancy rumors and stop right there.
But topless photos taken at a supposedly private chateau of the currently globetrotting royal ended up plastered on the cover of a French tabloid instead.
Alas, our hands were tied.
ROYAL PAIN: Will no royal body part be left unleaked?! Prince Harry's mortified sister-in-law has joined the ranks—through no fault of her own other than she was silly enough to think, once upon a time, that she could have a little privacy—of celebs who've had their business-business splashed across the Internet for millions to see. But Kate Middleton, with the weight of the palace behind her, isn't taking what may have been an illegal invasion of privacy lying down.
BABY BOOM: Vanessa and Nick Lachey welcomed son Camden John. New mom Kristin Cavallari, whom Lachey briefly dated when he was newly divorced, noticed that she and her ex both named their firstborn sons the same thing...Anna Paquin and hubby Stephen Moyer welcomed twins...Adriana Lima and Marko Jaric welcomed their second child, daughter Sienna...Levi Johnston and girlfriend Sunny Oglesby welcomed daughter Breeze Beretta...
MAGGIE MAY: Alison Pill proved as hapless as her Newsroom character by accidentally tweeting a topless pic of herself. To everyone who follows her, we mean.
PAIN IN THE NECK: Chris Brown's new neck tattoo looked, to some, like a banged-up Rihanna—a notion that annoyed both Brown and his tattoo artist. Meanwhile, no one thought the new ink under Rihanna's breasts was Chris Brown's face.
NOT STEWING: After hugging it out with Jennifer Lawrence in Toronto, Kristen Stewart continued to impress on the red carpet at an On the Road screening in New York...Scorned but stunning Liberty Ross did some catwalking during Fashion Week.
UNLICENSED TO DRIVE: Amanda Bynes, what are you doing?!
COUPLING: George Clooney denied there was trouble in Stacy Keibler paradise...Zachary Quinto is "incredibly happy" to be with Glee's Jonathan Groff...Heidi Klum is really dating bodyguard Martin Kirsten...Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama appear to be back on...Eva Longoria, 37, and New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, 25, are an item. In your face, Tebow!
HITCHING POST: Miley Cyrus insists that she and Liam Hemsworth are still headed for the altar...Michelle Kwan is engaged to Clay Pell...Cobie Smulders tied the knot with Taran Killam...Big Brother's Rachel Reilly and Brendon Villegas became roommates for life.
SPLITSVILLE: Chad Johnson filed documents in the divorce case brought by Evelyn Lozada...Carrie Ann Inaba and fiancé Jesse Sloan called it off.
FAREWELL: Tom Hanks, Jay Leno, David Boreanaz and many more gathered to say goodbye at a funeral for Michael Clarke Duncan.
SCREEN PLAY: Watch Daniel Day-Lewis get ready to emancipate in the Lincoln trailer...The Obama administration slammed Obama's America...Watch Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson be in love in the latest Breaking Dawn: Part 2 trailer...The Master had to settle for acting and directing prizes at the Venice Film Festival.
TV LAND: Watch Britney Spears go Gangnam on Ellen...Olate Dogs won the Howard Stern season of America's Got Talent...The Voice did better than The X Factor this week...Sean Lowe may be the next Bachelor...Dina Lohan made quite the impression on Dr. Phil...Keith Urban quit The Voice in Australia...Bachelor Pad winner Nick Peterson didn't intend to come off as a douche.
RECAPVILLE: Catch up with old friends like Glee, The X Factor, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, The Voice, Sons of Anarchy, Bachelor Pad, Hell's Kitchen, MasterChef, The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
MUSICAL NOTES: Who needs the song when Christina Aguilera is naked for the "Your Body" art...Kanye West nominated for 17 BET Hip-Hop Awards.
LAW & DISORDER: Hugh Grant seeking damages from British tabloid phone-hacking scandal...Joe Simpson pleaded not guilty to DUI...Sally Struthers busted for DUI...Britney Spears settled her ex-bodyguard's sexual harassment suit...Chad Johnson pleaded not guilty to battering his estranged wife...Joe Francis ordered to pay hotel magnate Steve Wynn $40 million in damages for slander.
HOSPITAL CORNER: McKayla Maroney tweets her thumbs-up after successful surgery...Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson's daddy, aka "Sugar Bear," is on crutches after an ATV accident... Michael Madsen was arrested for DUI but landed in the hospital...Kathy Bates underwent a double mastectomy after her breast cancer diagnosis...America's Next Top Model alum Jael Strauss is battling a meth addiction...WWE announcer Jerry Lawler suffered a heart attack midshow...Robin Roberts checked into the hospital for her bone marrow transplant.
FASHIONABLY GREAT: Kendall Jenner walked the runway for pal Avril Lavigne's Abbey Dawn line at Fashion Week...Jessica Simpson showed off her svelte figure on Katie and daughter Maxwell at the airport...Kate Gosselin made a splash (more of a cannonball, really, on a Fashion Week runway...Kristen Stewart talks scents appeal in old-yet-new Balenciaga video...Kim and Kanye aren't bad, they're just drawn that way...No one conjured a bra for Emma Watson at the Perks of Being a Wallflower premiere, even after her almost-nip-slip...Katie Holmes' Holmes & Yang line debuted at Fashion Week...Lady Gaga shaved part of her head in honor of her friend's late mother...Jordin Sparks showed off the fruits of her weight-loss labor.
SURREAL ESTATE: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are selling an amazeballs Greenwich Village townhouse that they renovated but didn't live in for $25 million.