English class is about to get a whole lot more…titillating.
While classic literature has been getting amped up recently by adding in a mix of zombies, vampires and sea creatures, there's nothing supernatural about the most recent twist on some old tales—nope, it's totally carnal this time. A selection of classic titles are due to be reworked into bodice-ripping, sexed-up romances.
So which stories are getting the Fifty Shades of Grey treatment? And what does Kate Beckinsale have to do with it all?!
Pride & Prejudice, Jane Eyre and…Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea?!
Those are just three of the handful of classic novels getting updated by Clandestine Classics (a subset of Total-E-Bound publishing) to add additional sex scenes and subtract unnecessary clothing.
Hear that? Sounds like the blushing Brontë sisters rolling over in their graves. But really, who knows, maybe if the authors were still around they'd be scrambling to get steamy with a dirty download of their much-read love stories.
The old fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally," a press release for the latest collection reveals. "You didn't really think that these much loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks did you?...Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre."
Wait, you mean Sherlock and Watson weren't just friends?! (And, FYI, there was some apparent more-than-bromantic feelings in Twenty Thousand Leagues too! Hallelujah!)
There's no doubt that this boom in boudoir-set desires is a result of Fifty Shades, which took the, uh, "classic" tale of Twilight, added whips and chains and became an overnight (million dollar!) success. Why stop there when there's a whole market of literature to tap into?
What's next? We suggested Moby-Dick, only to learn that it seems that sexy saga is already in the works. Just look to Kate Beckinsale, who appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night and was asked to read a vamped-up passage on love between man and beast.
After watching we weren't sure whether to LOL or simply barf...
So will you be reading these classic tales infused with "scorching passion" and a new "world of eroticism," described as "a journey of the senses that would scandalize society" where "sex knows no boundaries"? Or are you fine with your classics remaining just that—classic—and not another guilty pleasure?
(Originally published July 18, 2012, at 6:22 p.m. PT)