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True Blood Recap: The Trouble With New Vampires

TRUE BLOOD, Chris Meloni, Alexander Skarsgard, Stephen Moyer John P. Johnson/HBO

It's hard out there for a vampire. Tara (Rutina Wesley) is running around trying to adjust to life with bloodlust. Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) throw a Hail Mary pass. Plus, Sookie (Anna Paquin) has the fuzz breathing down her neck after the whole shooting someone in her kitchen thing. Oops.

Have Bill and Eric—you'll pardon the expression—met their maker? Want to know what happened on the latest episode of True Blood? Find out now: 

MORE: Golden Remotes 2012: Say Whaaa?! Vote For TV's Best Quote

WHAT WE LEARNED
Dirty Politics:  
Bible stories, sanguinistas, martyrs, the vampires have a long complicated history and it's all tied up with their religious beliefs. We like Chris Meloni, but our heroes (Can we even call Bill and Eric heroes?) are in a bad place. Their only hope to stay their execution is to find Russell Edgington (Denis O'Hare), which also might be a death sentence. It's just bad news all around. 

Self Control: Tara is just not taking to the whole being a vampire thing very well, but she is exercising a lot of self control and a lot of anger. Tara's vampire mommy, Pam, is of absolutely no help. Now she knows that Tara is trying to go the suicide by tanning route—we've met similar tanorexic girls—will Pam rescue her offspring?

It's more than just Tara causing drama. Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) has some serious issues of his own. Pouring bleach into gumbo is never good for business. 

MORE: Golden Remotes 2012: It's Time to Get Real

Back to the Beginning: We've said it before, but our favorite relationship on True Blood is between Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) and Eric. In this episode we got the chance to learn more about their past and how Pam came to be turned into a vampire. Pam, smart and desperately sad, forces Eric's hand. She doesn't want to become an old madam. We can't really blame her after she has to deal with riff-raff like Lorena (Mariana Klaveno) and Bill in her brothel.

Rewriting History: Mad Men's first Mrs. Draper (Melinda Page Hamilton) makes an interesting appearance as the teacher who taught Jason (Ryan Kwanten) everything he knows about sex. She seems innocuous enough, until we realize that Jason is so full of self-loathing when it comes to his relationships with women and it was all basically started by this teacher 15 years ago.

Rewind Moment: When Hoyt (Jim Parrack) shows up dressed like a goth at Fangtasia. Epic. 

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ONE-LINERS
"What are you looking at? Go back to dry humping each other and buying my overpriced drinks or get the f--k out!" —Pam

"Can I give you a hug without you thinking about my boobs?" —Sookie

"Lorena, you procreated and he's protective. How sweet." —Eric

"I ain't had the best luck in that department. One died right next to me, one was married to a gay preacher.  Crystal was a...let's not even go there. And right now I'm f--k buddies with the love of my best friend's life. Who's a teenage vampire. And that's just all kinds of messed up." —Jason

"Don't believe everything you read. The human Bible is little better than US Weekly." —Salome

"So which one is it? The Sheriff or the King? Both? Oh see now that's a sandwich I'd take a bite out of anytime."  —Rosalyn (Carolyn Hennesy)

Will Pam save Tara? Will Alcide (Joe Manganiello) turn Sookie in for killing Debbie Pelt? Are Bill and Eric destined for death? Sound off in the comments!

PHOTOS: True Blood: Season Five

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