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Game of Thrones Season Finale Recap: Must All Men Die?

Game of Thrones, Ralph Ineson, Alfie Allen Helen Sloan/HBO

All hail King Joffrey! Oh wait, were you rooting for a Stannis victory during the Battle of the Blackwater? It's the aftermath of last week's awesome TV battle, and we are filled with very complicated emotions. We don't want the season-two ride to end, but the Game of Thrones season finale sets up all kinds of new awesome storylines.

Has the King in the North lost his way? Did Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) finally get her baby dragons back? Will Arya (Maisie Williams) accept an unusual offer? Find out now: 

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WHAT WE LEARNED

King's Landing: Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) lives! And he gets a fine thank you for holding off Stannis' troops. Lost his cushy job, his cushy apartment, has a slice down the face. Even though his dear sister plotted to murder him, Tyrion refuses to flee to Pentos with Shae (Sibel Kekilli). Brave or foolish?

Swag, swag, swag. Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) is just too cool and rides his horse into the throne room to accept his accolades. There are lots of prizes to be given out. You get a car, you get a car! Littlefinger (Aiden Gillen) gets Harrenhal, Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) gets to marry an evil sadist king. Sansa (Sophia Turner) does not get a get-out-of-King's-Landing-free card, despite her broken engagement. And nothing for Tyrion Lannister. 

On The Road When Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) takes an oath, she means it. She is so loyal to Catelyn Stark that she kills three men to protect the identity of her prisoner, Jaime. Unfortunately, he needs his head if she's going to leverage him for the Stark kids. 

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Game of Thrones, Iain Glenn, Emilia Clarke Paul Schiraldi/HBO

Stark Camp: Robb (Richard Madden) is a fool in love. We said it. There are so many warning signs and people telling him not to cross the Freys, but he goes and does it anyway. Danger, Robb Stark! But we wonder if he and the nurse girl are registered anywhere. 

Dragonstone: Stannis (Stephen Dillane) blames Melisandre (Carice van Houten) for his defeat. Uh, yeah, don't ask a woman for battle advice when all she does is have sex on a strategic map table and give you shadow-assassin-babies. But apparently there is something good in the fire, so he'll plot to fight another day. 

Winterfell: Theon (Alfie Allen) is desperate to hang onto Winterfell. But with only 20 men and a whole army outside waiting for him, he hasn't got a prayer. His men hilariously shut him up with a knock on the head and sneak him out of the castle. There is one tragic loss in the scuffle, Maester Luwin (Donald Sumpter). We admit it, we bawled as he said goodbye to Bran and Rickon in the godswood. Bawled.

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On Another Road: Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha) is just the coolest. He catches up with Arya and Co. He offers to teach her the cool secrets of an international assassin, a.k.a. Faceless Man, but she has to find her mother and her brother first. Although for a second there it totally looked like she was going to go. Farewell, our awesome killing genie, until we meet again in Braavos, with a whole new face and name.

Qarth: Daenerys is back in the game! And now she is such a baller. Walks right into the House of the Undying and owns that place. We've been unenthusiastic about her storyline in Qarth this season, until now. Her walk through a snowy, sorcery-induced throne room and out to a tent where she is reunited with her dearly departed husband, Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) and her son was perfect. So perfectly perfect we think we'll go rewatch that scene 30 times. How the Game of Thrones bosses kept that character's brief return a secret, we will never know. But it was amazing!

Khaleesi gets her dragons back, her mojo back and is stealing all the gold in Xaro's palace to buy a ship. Carry on, Mother of Dragons.

North of the Wall: Jon Snow (Kit Harington) and Qhorin Halfhand (Simon Armstrong) fight to keep up appearances. Jon needs to look the part of a traitorous bastard. Their swordplay ends with blood, but the good news is now the wildings trust Jon will bring him to their king. Um, what's not so cool for Samwell Tarly (John Bradley), but awesome for the visual effects: White Walkers. Holy mind blowing! And they even have zombie horses. Cool. 

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ONE-LINERS

"Your traitor father teach you that? Or was it your whore mother?" —Qhorin Halfhand

"I'm a monster as well as a dwarf. You should charge me double." —Tyrion

"Joffrey is not the sort of boy who gives away his toys." —Littlefinger

"And my sister. I need to find her too." —Arya

"My father is dead and the only parent I have left has no right to call anyone reckless." —Robb

"I've known you many years, Theon Greyjoy, and you're not the man you're pretending to be. Not yet." —Luwin

"Or maybe I refused to enter the Night Lands without you."  —Drogo

How did you like the finale? Thrilled to see Khal Drogo again? Mind blown by the White Walker? Head to the comments! 

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