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Game of Thrones Recap: Pirates, Secrets and Seductions—Plus, Who is in Big Danger?

Joe Dempsie, Game of Thrones HBO

Last week's season premiere of Game of Thrones brought us dragons, new kings from all over and a new bloody regime at King's Landing. On a normal show that kind of drama could be hard to top, but not in Seven Kingdoms. Tonight big secrets are revealed, someone experiences a surprisingly icky homecoming and another person loses their head!

What to know what went down? Find out now: 

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WHAT WE LEARNED

On the Kingsroad: Of all the people to discover Arya's (Maisie Williams) secret, Gendry (Joe Dempsie) is probably the best. They are bonded as public enemies of that little brat King Joffrey (Jack Gleeson). We totally adore their friendship, especially how worried he is about his language (and peeing) in front of a lady. They could have a buddy cop show and we would watch. The interesting thing is Arya now might start to piece together why her father was killed after asking too many questions and how her friend's complicated parentage is related. 

King's Landing: We'll be honest: we are obsessed with Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) and all kinds of jealous for the characters who don't get to be as awesome as he is. They just aren't living. We could actually dedicate this whole recap just to the amazing things Tyrion says, but sometimes it's what he doesn't say. His look, after Queen Cersei (Lena Headey) lays out all her blame and hatred for him causing their mother's death, absolutely slays us.

The Red Waste: We really hope things get better for Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) soon. Poor girl has had it rough and it only got worse. Her trusted "blood of her blood" returned with only his head. So not only are her people and horses dropping dead from the elements, but also there is the added threat of khals. We think it's time to unleash some of that inner dragon and fast. 

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Maisie Williams, Game of Thrones HBO

Iron Islands: If you could think of the most awkward family reunion and then multiply that by a million then you might get close to Theon Greyjoy's (Alfie Allen) grand return home. We'd rather bathe in a vat of melted gold than have to witness that sibling encounter again. And let's talk about dear old Papa Balon Greyjoy (Patrick Malahide); he is very hard to please. Between calling his son a whore and rejecting any alliance with Robb Stark, he seems like a really supportive father. After we washed our eyes out with bleach, we actually felt sorry for Theon. That was definitely not the welcome home he was imagining.

Dragonstone: It's getting pretty fun to meet all these new faces as the sides start to mobilize their armies. We have an affinity for pirates in general, so we can appreciate a good lewd pirate who wants a particular booty. Oh yes, we really just went there. But meanwhile on the giant map table Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane) "gives himself to the lord of light." Really he succumbs to the seductive charms of Melisandre (Carice van Houten) despite having a wife. Melisandre has an answer for that little martial speed bump: his wife is sick and can't give him kids. Well in that case, go right ahead.  

Beyond the Wall: Dear Jon Snow (Kit Harington), please do not get yourself killed. Sincerely, all the female viewers. But seriously we just want to protect Jon Snow from danger and then he insists on running out into the night to be gorgeous and noble. But we legitimately almost threw up when he realized what happens to the baby boys of the Craster daughter wives. 

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ONE-LINERS

"How can someone so small be such a huge pain in my arse?" —Gendry

"Another king? How many is that? Five? I've lost count." –Cersei

"You have perfected the art of tearing up papers." –Tyrion

"Mother gone, for the sake of you. There's no bigger joke in the world than that." – Cersei

So faithful Game of Thrones fans, was this episode even better than last week's? Are you praying for Jon Snow's direwolf to come save him? Is Stannis headed down a very dangerous path? Sound off in the comments!

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