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    Afternoon Mail! Has Michael Fassbender's Schlong Made Him King?!

    Michael Fassbender AP Photo/Andrew Medichini

    Dear Ted:
    Confirm or deny: King Schlong is Michael Fassbender. We've see his, um, assets and they're definitely worthy of a royal title. Plus, he makes no effort to hide his love for hookups. He's well-known for hooking up with hot costars—a now-infamous public hookup with an ex—and has even said in an interview that he doesn't see any problem with a one-night stand. Heck, I'd let him break out a Vice or two on me given the chance!
    —April

    Dear Blind Vice Bender:
    Sorry, chickie, but as much as I wish I could tell you Fassy had some nasty little secrets in my Vice Hall of Fame, he's not the King. You said it yourself, Michael is pretty upfront about his sexy habits and he never wanted anyone to think his relayshes were more serious than they were. Schlong-a-long has the opposite intentions.

    Dear Ted:
    I am stumped at who Debbie Doobie could be! What about Ashley Tisdale or Miranda Cosgrove?
    —CinemaKatie

    READ: Charlize Theron Talks Michael Fassbender's Junk: "I'm Available to Work With It Any Time!"

    Dear Hot and Cold:
    You're closer with the former, doll. But you already knew that right: It's the Disney gals who generate all the juicy goss, not those dullsville Nick chicks (still love 'em, though!). But neither are Ms. Doobie, think less kid-friendly.

    Dear Ted:
    I've been hearing so many great things about Smash lately and, while I have yet to join the bandwagon, I was just wondering if Katharine McPhee has ever earned herself a Blind Vice moniker? Would it have anything to do with her dramatic weight loss since Idol, or her much older husband?
    —X

    Dear Fallen Idol?
    I'm lovin' Smash, babe, you seriously need to check it out—the musical numbers are killer and definitely rival the showiest stuff on Glee. As for Ms. McPhee, she may not be squeaky clean but she hasn't done anything yet to land on my radar.

    Dear Ted:
    When you described Dianna Agron as "very Vicey," does that mean she has more than one Vice? I know you already confirmed that she has a moniker, but I gathered it was in the past? Has she done any additionally Vicey behavior since earning the moniker? Hard to believe someone as sweet and kind as Dianna would have a Vice…
    —Tally

    READ: Heather Morris' Nude Photo Leak and Glee's Other Greatest Scandals

    Dear Splitting Lovely Blonde Hairs:
    Well compared to sweet, virginal Tim Tebow she is. And who ever said you couldn't be a total sweetie pie and have a Vice too?!

    Dear Ted:
    I have noticed that you have clearly stated that some actors are absolutely straight; for instance, Ryan Gosling. As for others, you never say a word one way or the other but have the habit of answering suggestive questions about them in a very ambiguous way, which I think is fun. My question is: roughly, what percentage of the former category is in fact bi or gay?
    —Vice Struck

    Dear Playing Straight:
    I wouldn't lie to ya, dear. So when I say dudes like Ry are straight, they're straight. K?

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