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Blind Vice diva

Dear Ted:
You recently said that Fake à la Ferocity was doing better than she had in a long time. If it's who I think it is, she seems more delusional than ever as well as unaware that she is becoming a laughingstock. I guess what goes around comes around. So what gives? Is she back to her old ways?

Dear Fake It Till Ya Make It:
Guess she's not who you think she is then, babe. 'Cause not only is Fakey doing better in terms of her nasty little drug habit (happy to say much better) but she looks hotter than she's looked in a long, long time and is feeling absolutely fab about herself.

Dear Ted:
You've described Judas Jack-off as a serial dater whose last two GFs were long term. Has JJO's fake relationships been smooth sailing or has he and his beards had ups and downs?
—Love, Agusta

Dear The New Normal:
Smooth sailing, for the most part. Judas isn't in the biz of drawing too much attention to himself and his "special" lady friends, he just likes the public to know they're there (so a few paparazzi-snapped outings help!). Then they break-up, always claiming they'll stay pals!

Dear Ted:
Can you please update us on our crap-tastic Super-Duper Cooper? You told us last that men have turned him down and that a certain hotel does not keep his secrets safely tied in a plastic bag. But what about his career, is there anything on the horizon lately? Hope the pretty boy finds a new willing mate soon, worthy of his Vicey ways of course. Much love to the four-legged fam!

Dear Take a Whiff:
SDC was out of commission, as it were, in both the lovemaking and Vice-making departments for a while. He had much bigger priorities to handle that took him away from those musky hotel rooms he loves to frequent. But that's all in the past now and he's ready to hit the scene again. Wonder who his next victim hookup will be?

Dear Ted:
What's up with Cass Stimulatia these days? Has she expanded her domestic situation yet? If not, has this problem caused a rift between her and her significant other?

Dear Sad Sad Stimulatia:
No and no. Then again, guess the latter part is good news, no?

Dear Ted:
I've been reading your column for awhile now, and I am terrible at guessing the Vices, but I have a guess for Toothy Tile, and I just had to ask...any chance it's Bruce Willis? Thanks!

Dear Way Off:
Think younger and hotter. And far less settled down that Bruce is these days.

Dear Ted:
I am not sure I can understand why there are certain actors and actresses in the closet in Hollywood, when their positions in the industry can really help others struggling with their sexuality. I am thinking someone like, say, Butter Pussy. Thanks for your time!
—Just Wondering

Dear Double Edged Sword:
Sure, it'd be nice if power chicks like Butter would own up to their same-sex lovin' (and I agree it'd certainly help others struggling with similar issues) but just because they're famous doesn't mean it's easier to handle. With all eyes on them, sometimes it's harder.