They'll all be there! Well, almost all: Fake à la Ferocity, Topher Hairy-Tuchus, Charlotte "Chuck" Finger-Dingle and even one of my personal oldie-faves, Trent Spent!
What fun the Academy Awards will be, after all (since we all pretty much know who's going to take home gold, right?), sniffing out all that award-winning private Hollywood Vicing:
Let's see, here are a few things to look out for while you're so busy judging (and cheering!) what everybody's wearing.
- Fake à la Ferocity has not completely gotten off the synthetic heroin she gets prescribed to her by various fancy doctors round town, but she is indulging less than she used to. I guess that's progress, right? Absolutely! Her head's in the right place—and direction—and her family's way happy about this news, trust.
- Topher Hairy-Tuchus, after much finger-pointing and bitching from his peeps, has pretty much given up online hooking up. Just not entirely. And between you and mean and a million other folks, let's just say Fake à la, above, stands a much better chance of ultimately cleaning the Vice outta her life than does our eternally horny Topher. Poor thing (or not).
- Trent Spent sold his Vice soul to the domestic devil years ago—news that saddens us every day. After all, nobody had more naughty and mischievous sexual potential than the gorgeous, often insecure bisexual star. But then he met his match and got all cleaned up, dammit! Total waste for everybody except his Trent's lucky S-O-B S.O., ‘course.
READ: Blind Vice: During Awards Season, the King Forgets His Queen Days
- Chuck Finger-Dingle is in so many ways the new Fake à la Ferocity. Bitchy and bossy for days, more talent than she really knows what to do with—and a completely equal-opportunity sexual ladder climber. Only thing is, most likely Chuck's going to keep treating her conquests like the crap she so often does and we see a major, major backfiring in the babe's life sooner than later—and we don't just mean professionally.
- Oh, and guess what? Fey Oiled-Tush will also be on hand for the super-exciting Oscar Sunday, cannot wait. But the thing is, Fey, who's so busy reheating his career, has gotten overwhelmingly caught up in the A-list projects he's totally busy with that he's completely forgotten that we'd all prefer to be gossiping about his kinky-on-the-floor activities. So don't forget to have some fun with all that podium banter you've been so busy with lately, Fey!
All work and no same-sex play a boring movie star makes!
And They Ain't: Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, George Clooney