Zooey Deschanel

Revolution Pix, PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
Given that everyone seems to have a girl-crush on Zooey Deschanel and her Japanimation eyes, what exactly happened between her and her soon-to-be ex-hubby? Anything Vicey? Or just mainstream pop celebrity behavior, as much their bevy of adorkable counterculture fans don't want to believe it.
—Miss Snarklepuss

Dear The New Vicer:
First, love your name. Second, it went the same way as every other marriage that began before either party became super famous: One half of the couple (Zooey, in this case) blew up—sure, she was known for roles à la Elf but really became a household name in the past year—and the relaysh crumbled in the limelight. Nothing Vicey here.

Dear Ted:
Please can you give us any clues on Leo DiCaprio's Vice. Could he possibly be Jerry Rock-Butt? Oh and also, has anyone ever guessed Nevis Divine correctly? I don't believe in the popular guess. Love from S.A.!

Dear Butt of the Blind:
Good guess, Mani, but Leo is not Mr. Rock-Butt. Jerr is a bit younger and fairly hotter than Leo these days. Plus, Jerry is committed, whereas Leonardo so isn't. As for Nev, some guessers are definitely a lot warmer than others.

Dear Ted:
My rescue Corky and I hope you and yours had a happy Heart Day. Corky—who loves Jackie Bouffant—wants to know: You have said Jackie is happy with his boyfriend, did they have a nice Valentine's Day together?
—Love, Corky and Me

Dear Feeling the Love:
Yes they did, thank you so much for asking.

Dear Ted:
I was surprised to know that the adorable Rachel Bilson was a B.V. a few years ago and got very curious. Can you give us a clue?
—Love, Cami

Dear Sure:
She's a costarrer. One of her former flames was way up to the really juicy biz (and still is, but only somewhat).

Dear Ted:
Back when she was a bubblegum pop singer, I remember Christina Aguilera saying she had a crush on Carson Daly, who now hosts her show, The Voice. Any Vicing, past or present, between the two?
—Daly Dirrty

Dear The Vice:
Crushes come a dime a dozen…and Xtina knows that better than anyone. Nothing's happened between the two. Or Adam Levine, just to really squash any rumors of on-set hanky-panky. Though, your guess would be more likely to happen, methinks.

Dear Ted:
I email quite a bit about B.V.'s that I'm sure people would love to hear about instead of the overpublicized certain "couple." Vice articles used to be so juicy. Could you throw us old-schoolers some sort of bone here and fill in some blanks on Toothy Tile/Grey Goose, Dashed Dingle-Dream and Judas Jack-Off, Crotch Uh-lastic and King Schlong. I'm starting to think you don't actually answer emails, rather make your own up...prove me wrong, love!

Dear Where Have You Been:
Uh, never made up an email in my life. Certainly no need, nor would I. And, babe, I chat about T2 and G2, DDO and JJO, CU-L and the King a ton. And trust me, if there was anything especially Vicey going on with any of my fave Vicers (yes, I love this crowd as much as you do, ya old-schooler), I'd give you the deets ASAP. Duh.

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