"Gonna be a man in motion/All I need's my Bronco team/Take me where my future's lyin'/Tim Tebow's fire."
And so goes the chorus to singer/songwriter John Parr's reworked version of "St. Elmo's Fire."
Sadly, "Tim Tebow's Fire" is hardly the first bastardization of a 1980s favorite. Other dubious Brat Pack-era reboots and proposed reboots:
1. 32 Candles: First off, 32 Candles?! Why didn't they just call this would-be sequel, in the works several years ago, Fire Hazard? Secondly, unless the subtitle was An Overdue Apology to Asians and Asian-Americans for Long Duk Dong, 16 Candles is a John Hughes comedy best left as a curious artifact of a shoulda-known-better time.
2. Red Dawn: The 1984 original wasn't exactly acclaimed, but it reflected what, for some in the era, was a real fear: an attack on U.S soil by the Soviet Union. Accordingly, the remake, due out in November, was supposed to reflect what, for some in this era, is a real fear: an overtaking of the country by China. But as reported last year, the villain was changed in post-production to North Korea because, um…er…pretty much nobody thinks North Korea is going to invade the Midwest.
3. Ferris Bueller: It could be argued the 1990s sitcom was being brave when it had the small-screen Ferris take a chainsaw to a cardboard cut-out of Matthew Broderick's big-screen Ferris. Or it could be argued the 1990s sitcom isn't known as a short-lived 1990s sitcom for nothing. (Also, the nose-job joke about Jennifer Anistons character, which formerly was Jennifer Grey's character…Was that really necessary?)
4. Pretty in the Pink 2: The cruelest thing about this never-was revisiting of Andie, Blane and Duckie is that it was all just an April Fool's prank.
5. St. Elmo's Fire: To be honest, an hourlong, prime-time series version of the seminal movie didn't sound un-promising when it was pitched back in 2009. St. Elmo's writer/director Joel Schumacher was to produce, as was Topher Grace. But it hasn't gotten off the ground, and it didn't endear itself to originalists who think Billy Hicks and the rest of Georgetown gang are not to be messed with—unless, of course, you're going to work in plenty of references to a certain Denver Broncos quarterback.