It's a good thing it's been so sunny in Hollywood. If it looked like rain, we'd seriously have to think about building an ark.
To accommodate all the couples, of course!
Not one, not two, but at least seven twosomes have decided to pair off for good, from relative whippersnappers like Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel to 69-year-old Aretha Franklin and her longtime gentleman friend.
All that and so much more as we recap the first full week of 2012...
RING-A-DING-DING: Wedding bells were ringing off the hook in anticipation this week as we found out that couple after couple had decided to make things official! Justin Timberlake finally put a ring on Jessica Biel, Drew Barrymore flashed the sparkler Will Kopelman gave her, reformed tomcat Mario Lopez popped the question to baby mama Courtney Mazza, Sienna Miller is expecting a baby with and is reportedly engaged to Tom Sturridge (hey Jude, you lose!), Aretha Franklin plans to marry longtime love William "Willie" Wilkerson, Broadway stars Audra McDonald and Will Swenson are going to tie the knot and Teen Mom 2's once-divorced Leah Messer, already a mother of twins, is engaged to Jeremy Calvert, the father of the child she's currently expecting, and Josh Lucas spilled the beans to Jay Leno that he's engaged to...someone!
Off to Costco to buy rice in bulk!
CANNON AID: Nick Cannon was hospitalized with kidney failure—surely not an ailment that the 31-year-old father of "dembabies" saw coming! With Mariah Carey by his side, though, it appears that the ever-chipper America's Got Talent host is going to pull through with flying Twitter, er, colors.
DOWN HOME: Khloé Kardashian Odom and hubby Lamar have made themselves right at home in Dallas, leasing a luxurious condo perfect for entertaining, quiet moments alone or hosting the missus' massive family (and their Barbie dolls!). Sure enough, Kim Kardashian has already stopped by for a visit, and there's plenty of room for Miley Cyrus, should Khloé ever forgive the teen for getting her involved in a bogus zipper emergency.
I DO AND I DON'T: Brandi Glanville, LeAnn Rimes nemesis turned Real Housewives of Beverly Hills kooky neighbor, swapped vows in Vegas with longtime friend Darin Harvey. But it wasn't legal. Though even if it was, they didn't plan to stay married for more than a few hours. Even though Brandi's parents love Darin... What?! Brandi's just nutty like that. (She's not affair-with-Demi-Moore-nutty, though.)
NEW ARRIVALS: Keri Russell and hubby Shane Deary welcomed their second child, daughter Willa Lou...Eric Benét and Manuela Testolini welcomed daughter Lucia Bella Testolini Jordan...Roselyn Sanchez and hubby Eric Winter welcomed daughter Sebella Rose...Lily Allen and hubby Sam Cooper named their daughter Ethel Mary.
FALLOUT: Russell Brand may be persona non grata in mineral-rich Katy Perry country, but he's still perfectly welcome at the 2012 People's Choice Awards, even if his future ex-wife is gonna be there. Too bad he already declined the invite ages ago...Storage bins that have been outside their Hollywood Hills home since they moved in were mistaken for moving vans.
IT'S GONNA BE HIM: Former 'N Syncer JC Chasez may have saved a life when he stopped a sun umbrella from smacking into a little girl on the beach, after the wind from a hovering helicopter sent the umbrella flying in the child's direction.
YOUTUBAL LIGATION: A video diary shot by Casey Anthony—in which she didn't say one word about her dead daughter Caylee or being acquitted of murder—somehow ended up on the Internet. The negative (duh) backlash actually made the person who first posted the leaked footage on YouTube feel bad for Anthony.
THAI ONE ON: Jeremy Renner made a quick exit when a brawl broke out at a bar where he and friends were hanging out in Phuket, Thailand, but a pal of his was struck with an ax and was hospitalized with severe wounds.
BLOODY 'ELL: A dead body was found on the grounds of the royal family's Sandringham estate—which sits on 20,000 acres, so this mystery doesn't involve a royal scandal.
LOVE LIVES: Snooki would loooove to get engaged to Jionni Lavalle. But then again, she'd also loooove some new boobs...Sinead O'Connor and her husband of a few weeks, Barry Herridge, are apparently back on...Marc Anthony has seen Jennifer Lopez's 24-year-old boyfriend and raised her a 24-year-old girlfriend, Shannon De Lima...Those in the know say Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver do not have reconciliation on the brain...Demi Moore shares her relationship fears in Harper's Bazaar...That didn't really look like an engagement ring on Halle Berry's finger...Rachel McAdams tells Glamour she has a notebook-full of problems with on-set dating...Ricky Martin and Carlos Gonzalez Abella aren't making wedding plans.
THE SPLITS: Zooey Deschanel filed for divorce from Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard...Hayden Panettiere's parents pulled the plug on their troubled marriage...Moon Zappa filed for divorce from Matchbox Twenty guitarist Paul Doucette.
LAW & DISORDER: The actress who was anonymously suing IMDb for revealing her real age was forced to reveal her real name...David O. Russell won't face criminal charges after his transgender niece accused him of groping her...Already beleaguered Griffin O'Neal was arrested for alleged domestic violence...Guy behind alleged Selena Gomez death threats permanently restrained from going near her...Amber Portwood trying to stave off eviction while still behind bars...Jenelle Evans owes her old landlord...Lindsay Lohan trespasser sentenced, restrained...Casper Smart got probation for drag-racing.
HOSPITAL CORNER: Brad Pitt needed a cane after tearing a ligament in his knee...Bachelor Pad alum Tiptyn Locke underwent emergency spinal surgery...Ailing Etta James is back home after spending more than two weeks in the hospital...Jason Derulo was forced to cancel his upcoming tour after fracturing his neck during rehearsal.
FAREWELL: Bob Anderson, swordsman who wielded Darth Vader's light saber for Star Wars' pivotal battle scenes, died at 89.
TV LAND: Clay Aiken, Adam Carolla, Debbie Gibson and Arsenio Hall are among the 18 contestants on the next Celebrity Apprentice...So You Think You Can Dance results show slashed...NBC scoop straight from the Television Critics Association press tour...Rob Lowe added to the list of potentials to replace Regis Philbin on Live!...Kyle Richards has a lot of plans for herself...No Celebrity Rehab on VH1's schedule in 2012...The Real Housewives franchise is invading France...Hallmark ending production of The Martha Stewart Show...Kelly Clarkson, Alanis Morissette, Ne-Yo and more will be mentors on The Voice next season...Watch a celeb-studded 2012 Oscars trailer...Check out recaps of Jersey Shore, Grey's Anatomy, Project Runway All Stars, Teen Mom 2, The Biggest Loser, The Bachelor, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Kourtney & Kim Take New York.
SCREEN PLAY: WGA Award nominations announced...The Producers Guild nominated 10 films for best picture honors...Sherlock's Benedict Cumberbatch boards the Star Trek sequel...Emma Watson and Rupert Grint are worth more than Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart...Gus Van Sant is taking over what would have been Matt Damon's directorial debut...Paranormal Activity 4 is on tap for October...Watch the trailer for Silent House with Elizabeth Olsen...Check out our review of The Devil Inside.
MUSICAL NOTES: Justin Bieber got himself a big Jesus tattoo on his calf...Kanye West has launched a multipurpose design company called DONDA...Adele crushed the Biebs (and everyone else) when it came to album and single sales in 2012...CeeLo Green tweaks John Lennon's lyrics, hears about it the next day.
FASHIONABLY GREAT: Jessica Alba showing off an absurdly perfect body while on vacation with the fam in Cabo San Lucas...Mommy-to-be Jessica Simpson is adding a maternity line to her fashion empire...Kim Kardashian goes glam in ads for her latest signature fragrance, True Reflection...Mila Kunis is the dramatic new face of Dior...Who's going to look better than David Beckham in David Beckham Bodywear For H&M?...Kate Middleton chose her pet charities...Lauryn Hill and Rohan Marley's daughter Selah is an impressive poser...Jack-of-all-trades James Franco is penning (it would be just like him to pen, not type) a novel...The Situation and Jersey Shore roomie Ronnie Ortiz-Magro are headed to South Africa for endorsement appearances...An encouraging tweet from Khloé Kardashian Odom led to a surge in donations for the World Wildlife Fund's Text for Tigers program.
SEEN: Stacy Keibler walking George Clooney's dog, Einstein, around L.A.'s Fryman Canyon...LeAnn Rimes rocking a bikini in Maui while on vacay with her hubby and friends...Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz pausing for a PDA while shopping in Madrid...Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig walking their first red carpet as a married couple at the Madrid premiere of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo...Seraphina Affleck wearing a T-shirt with dad Ben's face on it while breakfasting with mom Jennifer Garner in Brentwood...Demi Lovato being honored by Seventeen at a luncheon at Cleo in Hollywood...Ashton Kutcher catching a Lakers game...Pax Jolie-Pitt hitching a ride in Brad's sidecar on a trip to the grocery store in Los Feliz...Cameron Diaz sporting a shorter 'do in Hawaii as Diddy swam with the dolphins...Kyra Sedgwick flashing her, er, lower-back tattoo in Miami...J.Lo and Casper Smart leaving a sunglasses store in South Beach's Lincoln Road shopping district hand-in-hand...Rosie Huntington-Whitely enjoying the Miami sun with beau Jason Statham...Rihanna not bothering with nipple tape at Diddy's star-studded New Year's Eve party in Miami...Chris Evans making kids smile at Children's Hospital Boston...Vanessa Hudgens and Austin Butler canoodling poolside at Miami's Fontainebleu Resort...Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez partying together at the Glass House in NYC after performing on respective New Year's Eve shows.