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    Do Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream Want Babies With Their Beards?

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    Dear Ted:
    Glad you're back on the nonsmoking wagon! Good luck! Do Judas Jack-off and Dashed Dingle-Dream have perma-beards? And if so, would either consider having a family with them? Do you think any beard would be onboard for a family with the understanding that the "interests" of their significant other lie elsewhere?
    —Shell

    Dear Beardest of All:
    Both are definitely the beard type. And beards are in it for the money and fame, so of course they could start a family—tons of beards have done it in the past. It's just part of the coverup game that they play. Sad but true.

    Dear Ted:
    Could you please confirm that Smokey Shooter and Pussy Gabor are not the same celeb Vicer? It seems like everyone is guessing Ashton Kutcher for both, but we seasoned Vice sleuths know he can't have more than one name. Please give a refresher for the newbies!
    —Lisa 

    RELATED: Afternoon Mail! Which Vice Star Is Most Likely to End Up With a Homolicious Hunk?

    Dear Vice 101:
    You are right, my dear, celebs only have one Vice, so no dice on guessing that Ashton is both. Sorry to all the newbies.

    Dear Ted:
    I've been wondering about our ol' friend Mr. Pepper Harthman. Despite sounding like a giant baller, it doesn't sound like his story got intercepted by the public. Miracle. So my question is two-fold... He sounds as douchey as Tiki Barber. Are they very good friends, or do they know each other?
    —Blue for Harthman

    Dear Small Balling World:
    Of course they know each other, both are big-time athletes. But I wouldn't call them good friends. He is just as douchey as Tiki, but in a very different way.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm usually a pretty positive person, but you keep trying to push us into believing that wonderful things are coming for the cast of Glee. According to IMDb, there's nothing in the pipeline for Lea Michele or Dianna Agron (and please don't say New Year's Eve...that movie is going to tank), yet you've repeatedly stated that they will be the breakout stars of the show. Between their diminishing Glee ratings and no other work to speak of, and now with the article about Funny Girl not considering Lea, it seems pretty clear this cast is a flash in the pan. Now you tell me how wrong I am, and that is fine. But please stop posting once a week about what huge Hollywood stars the Glee cast will be.
    -–Ansley

    Dear Delusional Doll:
    I'm afraid you may be blaming me for another column because I've never said how huge the stars of Glee are going to be. What I have said is that they are all extremely talented, and even with your ‘tude, I'm sure you can agree with that. Lea and Dianna are two gorgeous gals with talent for days; plus, Lea's already been in the Broadway biz before she hit the boob tube. I'm standing by my opinion: Lea and Dianna have what it takes to make it in H'wood. 

    Dear Ted:
    I just read in the E! news column that Brooke Mueller was released by a judge in Colorado so she could go home to take care of her kids? For real? Why would any sane, reasonable person allow her near those kids? That's so messed up!
    —Miss P

    Dear Innocent Until Proven Guilty:
    Unfortunately I don't make the rules, but the laws are the laws. And you're right, P, the kid's are most important in this messed-up sitch. Here's hoping Brooke and Charlie Sheen can figure it out—whether that's on their own or by a court order.

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