And from the sounds of it, that day is never gonna come.
The British funnyman stopped by the Ellen DeGeneres Show Friday in the wake of rampant speculation that his pop-star wife was ready to call time on their coupling, and got right down to business addressing the reports.
"Yeah, there are always rumors, aren't there," he told Ellen when the rumors were brought up. "In the end, you have to just not engage with Internet technology, which is difficult because a lot of the nude women websites I quite enjoy."
The sacrifices just never end, do they?
"But they've had to go. I've treated the whole Internet now like it's a wicked little liar. Yeah. I am really happily married."
But try as he might to steer clear of the unfounded speculation about his personal life, the rumors nevertheless have been getting back to him and his wife.
"Yeah, I heard that rumor because you know if your job is to be on telly and show off, somebody will go, 'There's a rumor.' Like someone that works with you. It's called publicity or PR:
"'There is a rumor.' 'What is it?' 'You've split up.' 'Oh, no. Am I enjoying?' 'Yes.' 'Where am I now?' 'You're here.' 'Good, good. Well, just keep me informed.' Being famous is like a little bit of you is taken away and goes off and lives on its own and does what it wants. I wish it would do more interesting things."
And just in case that wasn't enough of a denial, Ellen asked him again.
"Well, I don't know what he's doing, the other me, but I'm married to Katy. Perpetually, until death do us part was the pledge. I'm still alive."
How romantic! In its way.
Meanwhile, in news that's sure to send tabloids back into overdrive, Russell also said that he and Katy are looking forward to starting a family—though as Perry herself clarified last month, they're not there just yet
"I would like one," he said. "I love those little babies in the beginning...They're so lovely in that bit."
As for Katy, she also broke her silence this week on the split rumors that seem to plague the couple.
We'll take that as two nos on the divorce rumor, then.