Just when we thought it was going to be a slow week following the big Breaking Dawn premiere...
Out came Tori Spelling's breasts!
Just kidding (well, not kidding, because that really happened, but it, er, they weren't what jolted us out of our almost-Friday coma).
Can you guess what didn't surprise but still shocked?
DASHED: They were right. "They" as in "They said it wouldn't last." Demi Moore finally pulled the plug on her six-year marriage to Ashton Kutcher after—we hope—realizing that she's way too hot for this b.s. Maybe not blank-faced 22-year-old hot, but In Style-"good at any age" hot." Read all about it right here.
BRAD IDEA: Brad Pitt says he's going to quit acting when he's 50 to focus on Angelina Jolie and the kids, and perhaps have more kids. He better not mean it, or else George Clooney is going to have Stacy Keibler kick his ass.
HOLIDAY WEEKEND: Kendall Jenner had a heck of a bubblelicious 16th birthday party at the Andaz hotel in West Hollywood and got a Range Rover from her parents. The next night she and little sis Kylie shared Most Stylish Sisters honors at the Hollywood Style Awards, and the night after that they went to the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn premiere.
RED-CARDED: Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy's run on Dancing With the Stars came to an emotional end—but we think whoever's asking about the judges not liking her has got it backwards. People liking her was the only reason she lasted this long. Gooooooaaaaal! Meanwhile, Rob Kardashian, Ricki Lake and J.R. Martinez are going to the finals.
BABY BOOM: Justin Bieber's self-proclaimed baby mama dropped her paternity suit, but still wants the pop prince's DNA. And even though some questionable text messages have surfaced between Mariah Yeater and pal that identify a more probable baby daddy, the Biebs says A-OK to giving his DNA. Meanwhile, Ellen DeGeneres got Selena Gomez to acknowledge that all this is happening.
FANGS A MILLION: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and all their pale 'n' hairy pals walked and talked on the red carpet at the Breaking Dawn premiere in L.A. and then partied a bit afterward before jetting off to London for that premiere. The film, despite tepid reviews (including ours) sucked up a tidy $30.3 million at its opening day midnight screenings.
BABY SHOWER: Nikki Taylor welcomed her fourth child and second with hubby Burney Lamar, son Rex Harrison...Connie Britton adopted a baby boy, son Yoby...Selena Gomez held a friend's baby...Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's twins play good cop, bad cop...This baby wants Santa, not Lady Gaga...Is Carrie Underwood pregnant?
STARS AND STRIPES: Justin Timberlake escorted Cpl. Kelsey De Santis to a Marine Corps Ball in Virginia and Kristin Cavallari made Lance Cpl. Jonathan Burkett the biggest stud at the ball in San Diego. Mila Kunis was scheduled to attend in North Carolina with Sgt. Scott Moore on Friday.
HOLLYWOOD LORE: L.A. Sheriff's Department homicide detectives are looking into the 1981 drowning death of Natalie Wood again, based on "substantial"-enough information they've received from several sources.
HINDSIGHT: Kim Kardashian explains why she married Kris to Marie Claire. Before she decided to divorce him, that is. You know how early those monthly magaziness go to press.
WEDDING BELLS: SNL's Kenan Thompson married model Christine Evangeline...Beyoncé got married in this two years ago...Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes marked five years of marriage on Friday...Check out newlyweds Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann in their wedding finery.
UNHITCHING POST: Zoe Saldana ended her engagement to Keith Britton, who she was with for 11 years...Ruben Studdard filed for divorce from Surata Zuri McCants after three years...Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner, on and off for years, called off their engagement...Kasey Kahl and Vienna Girardi are really broken up now...Kat Von D and Jesse James have to be done after this, right?
LAW & DISORDER: Kim Kardashian's attorney explains her lawsuit against Jonathan Jaxson, who claims he was her publicist and knows things about her...Hugh Grant's baby mama secured an injunction in London against the paparazzi...Selena Gomez's alleged stalker ducked a criminal charge but ended up on a psychatric hold...Bonnie Pointer busted for alleged rock cocaine possession...Michael Lohan cut a deal and was sprung from the slammer...Jonathan Rhys-Meyers fined in France for making an arse of himself at the airport...The Situation sued Abercrombie & Fitch for trademark violation...Admitted Shania Twain harasser got three years of probation...Conrad Murray's lawyer says the doctor is not mentally prepared for jail.
TV LAND: Ricky Gervais is back as host of the Golden Globes...Regis Philbin signed off from Live after 28 years. No replacement has been named yet...Bill Maher battled Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View and then explained himself on Letterman...Survivor: South Pacific's Whitney Duncan most certainly was married when she went on the show and fell for Keith Tollafson...Anna Kournikova is done with The Biggest Loser already...HLN lets The Joy Behar Show go...CBS orders up two more seasons of Survivor...Snooki and Jionni are keeping it together...Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley have agreed on joint custody for daughter Leah...Sneak peek at Teen Mom 2's second season...At least two more seasons of Dexter on tap...South Park will have at least 20 seasons...Cougar Town is missing from ABC's midseason schedule...Community is missing from NBC's midseason schedule...Production shutting down on Prime Suspect...Elisabeth Shue will join CSI when Marg Helgenberger is on her way out...The TSA denies singling out JWoww for any particular reason...Matthew Weiner dishes on how Mad Men will end...Chelsea Clinton joins the NBC News team...Emma Stone did a really good job hosting SNL again...SPOILER ZONE!
RECAPVILLE: Follow the redux road to The X Factor elimination and performances, American Horror Story, America's Next Top Model: All-Stars, Survivor: South Pacific, Glee, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Gossip Girl and Sister Wives.
SCREEN PLAY: The Descendants rocked our world...Happy Feet 2 is OK...Arnold Schwarzenegger sustained a real-life head wound on the set of The Last Stand...Filming on The Dark Knight Rises has wrapped...Oprah Winfrey, James Earl Jones and makeup artist Dick Smith received honorary Oscars...Happy 31st birthday, still-sexy Ryan Gosling.
MUSICAL NOTES: Watch Taylor Swift perform "Sparks Fly" live...She's also on 60 Minutes Sunday...Selena Gomez's wax figure scored standing room next to Justin Bieber's wax figure in New York...Listen to James Durbin's debut album, Memories of a Beautiful Disaster, in its entirety...Watch the Dixie Chicks play "So Hard" live...Michael Jackson's estate had his deathbed taken off the auction block...Lady Gaga reads her book and preps her Thanksgiving special, all right here...Listen to newlyweds Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed's new tune, "Now That I Found You".
FAREWELL: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Diddy, Usher, Queen Latifah, Mary J. Blige and more attended a private funeral for Heavy D on Friday in his hometown of Mt. Vernon, N.Y., a day after fans were able to pay tribute at a public memorial and viewing.
FASHIONABLY IRATE: PETA made an actual billboard questioning Kim Kardashian's self-professed love of fur. They played the orphan fox cub card and everything...Jay-Z took T-shirts sporting the slogan "Occupy All Street" off of his Rocawear website after folks found out he was selling them for profit, not the cause...Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato team up on Twitter to defend the curvy girls out there.
FASHION FRENZY: Lady Gaga unveils some of the goods from her collaboration with Barneys New York...GQ named T-shirt peddler Jay-Z King of the Year, though Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon made the cover. And Mila Kunis is one of their Men of the Year, too! Dude!
SCENE: Pippa Middleton and brother James strolling around London...Prince William and Kate Middleton leading England in two minutes of silence in honor of the nation's fallen soldiers at Cenotaph, London's main war monument...Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon clowning around at GQ's 2011 Men of the Year party at Chateau Marmont...Stacy Keibler meeting George Clooney's folks at the L.A. premiere of The Descendants...Anne Hathaway joining an Occupy Wall Street protest...Zoe Saldana interlacing fingers with her hunky publicist, Gary Mantoosh...Kate Gosselin wearing khaki during Steve Irwin Day at the Australia Zoo...Brad and Angelina touring a former prison on Vietnam's Con Dau Islands...Angie and the kids leaving Vietnam while Brad flew off to promote Moneyball in Seoul...Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony holding auditions together in Puerto Rico for the talent show they're producing, Q'Viva! The Chosen...Bieber flipping the bird outside Mr. Chow in London...Demi Lovato bringing Wilmer Valderrama to Sonny With a Chance costar Tiffany Thornton's wedding...Courtney Love taking her top off onstage at São Paulo Music and Arts Festival in Brazil...Madonna, boyfriend Brahim Zaibat and daughter Lourdes picking out a new dancer for mom's next tour at NYC's Roseland Ballroom.