Welcome back, Atlanta.
The Real Housewives of Hot-lanta returned tonight for another season of tacky fun—sex pillows and hot rod hearses, anyone?— and snappy one-liners. And for once, Nene "Deuces, Baby" Leakes wasn't the only one dishing out the most memorable lines.
See who gets that honor in our season four premiere recap...
That would be Miss J, who offered the zinger, "Dick brought a girl back."
Well played. If you're gonna make a cameo, might as well make your moment count. Between summing up Cynthia Bailey's life in five short words and making fun of all the aspiring style strutters at Cynthia's new agency, the modeling coach might have earned himself a return visit. Or maybe he's angling for his own show?
Either way, you've got to wonder why on earth those aspiring models didn't pay attention to Miss J.'s pleas to keep it simple. Especially once you knew he was going to mock your Toddlers & Tiaras routine?!
Kim Zolciak might have washed her hands of Big Papa—that relationship was "a hot-ass mess," says Kim, confirming what everyone but her knew since day one. But somehow Kim's needs are still being catered.
"I'm definitely in love. For sure," she insisted while watching boyfriend Kroy Biermann schlep furniture out of her storage locker and into his McMansion. Kim seemed to be trying hard to convince us she'd found true love with her 25-year-old Atlanta Falcons defensive end. But they did just get engaged, so maybe it is the real deal?
Besides, when Kroy's not waiting on his baby mama, she's got Arianna, Brielle and her assistant Sweetie to help out instead. "They bring me stuff all day long and they're happy to do it," boasts Kim. (This stuff is a Mommie Dearest book or, at the very least, a Life & Style article just waiting to happen.)
Even after Kim has the baby we suspect she won't bounce back like Phaedra Parks. The lady is back to business. Being a lawyer and new mom seems like it would take up all of Phaedra's time but somehow she's spinning off a side business planning funerals, starting with a big to-do for her late great aunt.
After consulting with Atlanta's celebrity funeral director (seriously, who knew such a thing existed?) Phaedra decides she's found her calling. "I definitely enjoyed it," she says of the burial service that included a dove, pallbearers in tuxes and top hats and a hearse with flashing lights and a loudspeaker.
Whatever floats your boat, honey. Just work on your sympathy face for upcoming clients. Not everybody gets off on the morbid details like you do.
Kandi Burruss is also multitasking, putting her sex toy plan into action. "Call me an intimate luxury specialist," says the singer and Kandi Koated Nights host. Uh, OK.
After leading Phaedra and Sherée Whitfield through the Liberator store (with a gratuitous who-likes-to-do-it-doggy-style pose on the Wedge pillow) Kandi connects the dots for anyone who still doesn't understand why she's a natural for the adult toy biz. She's gonna create songs exclusively for her musical vibrator. And all you need is an iTunes account and some batteries.
Let the fun begin.
As for the Mouth, aka Nene, it wasn't all peaches 'n' cream tonight. The tough love mama continues to prove she's anything but while buying a car for her son Bryson. Not just for joy rides, but to run errands, insists the misguided mom.
She's also feuding with Sherée over some minor deal gone wrong that's sure to create more drama than it ever deserves. "Heifer tried to back door me," claims Sherée, qualifying her for one of the best lines of the night.
But not so fast. Nene's still in the game with this retaliation: "Deuces, baby. I'm not gonna stab you in the back, I'm gonna stab you in the chest." (This must be what Cynthia's referring to when she talks about Nene's really soft and sensitive side.)
So, which housewives' storyline has you cheering for more tonight?