Yeah, we know. Don't say anything. Just read.
K-WOW: Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kris Humphries after 72 days of marriage. Read all about that fateful day and everything that's happened since right here. We're too bummed, not to mention still tired from covering her wedding, to type.
REVOLVING DOOR: Lindsay Lohan is headed back to jail for "30 days," though authorities estimate that actual time spent behind bars will be more like one or two days. But after her Playboy reshoot and her jailhouse overnight (if it even comes to that), the judge has laid out a strict schedule of community service and counseling that should keep Lindsay busy and—you'd think—out of trouble. She should at least stay out of the dentist's chair for awhile.
BABY, WHOA: A 20-year-old has alleged that she had a one-night stand with Justin Bieber backstage at one of his shows and, nine months later, out popped her son. True Beliebers aren't having it. Plus, aside from a real human baby born to a woman he's never met, the teen says he doesn't even have a dog right now aside from his family's pooch. Selena Gomez is sticking with him for now, though, as are the people viewing his YouTube videos 2 billion times.
BREAKING GROUND: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner planted their hands and feet among legends—and the Harry Potter stars (future legends all, surely)—in the cement at famed Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. And Kristen gave a very serious answer as to why she was wearing a cast this week. Plus, new Breaking Dawn commercials!
PROOF IN THE PUCKERING: Demi Lovato and pal Wilmer Valderrama locked lips recently and were reportedly all over each other at Seth MacFarlane's house (um, OK), so there's every unconfirmable possibility that they're more than friends now.
BABY SHOWER: Jessica Simpson is pregnant, just as you suspected...Hugh Grant is a dad! He has a daughter all of a sudden with actress Tinglan Hong...Eva Longoria visits with pal Victoria Beckham and baby Harper...Beyoncé's baby is a she, per Kelly Rowland...
ROYAL FLUSH: A peanut-averse (so possibly pregnant, obviously) Kate Middleton and Prince William stopped in Copenhagen to visit a UNICEF center that sends supplies to East Africa...Pippa Middleton penning a party-planning guide...Duchess Catherine unsurprisingly topped Harper's Bazaar U.K.'s best-dressed of 2011 list.
WAY TO GO, COCO: Conan O'Brien officiated a gay wedding while taping his show in New York for a week.
GET WELL: Survivor winner Ethan Zohn revealed he is once again battling Hodgkin's lymphoma...Keith Urban needs throat surgery to remove a polyp...The flu sidelined Rihanna in Sweden...Tori Spelling is OK after a migraine sent her to the hospital, but still pained by the paparazzi.
LAW & DISORDER: The involuntary manslaughter case against Conrad Murray is in the jury's hands...Accused Scarlett Johansson naked picture hacker pleaded not guilty...Admitted Miley Cyrus hacker avoids jail in a separate case...Ryan Rottman of Nickelodeon series Gigantic copped to alcohol-related reckless driving to avoid DUI charge...Alleged Selena Gomez stalker pleads not guilty, slapped with restraining order...Chaz Bono may sue the National Enquirer over death watch story...Vince Neil planning to cut a deal in his disorderly conduct case in Vegas...Taylor Swift's attorneys sent a warning letter to Celeb Jihad for claiming it's got a topless picture of the singer...Trial date set for Halle Berry's alleged stalker...Kris Humphries lost money in an investment scam allegedly perpetrated by one of his wedding guests...Michael Lohan still behind bars in Florida.
TV LAND: Kate Gosselin will be blogging for a coupon website...Matt Lauer and Ann Curry were golden with their Prince William-Kate Middleton costumes, while Kelly Ripa and Nick Lachey ironically (though they didn't know that at the time) channeled Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries on Halloween...There's lip-syncing on The X Factor, which will have a second season...Hot Revenge scoop...An appeals court sided with CBS in ruling that the FCC improperly fined the network for the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction...Donald Trump took issue with some of Jon Stewart's Herman Cain commentary...J.R. Martinez has been selected as grand marshal of the next Tournament of Roses Parade...Jimmy Kimmel will host the next White House Correspondents' Association Dinner...SPOILER ZONE!
RECAPVILLE: Follow the redux road to Grey's Anatomy, America's Next Top Model: All-Stars, American Horror Story, Survivor: South Pacific, The X Factor performances and elimination, Glee, Dancing With the Stars performances and elimination, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Sister Wives.
SCREEN PLAY: Five confirmed facts about Bond 23...Johnny Depp and The Rum Diary director Bruce Robinson bonded over a near-death experience...The final Harry Potter film (not to mention the book) would have been so much sadder if J.K. Rowling had gone ahead and killed off Ron...
TRAILER PARK: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux met in the wilds of Wanderlust...Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum go undercover as high-schoolers in 21 Jump Street...The latest American Reunion trailer wasn't too dirty to show you.
MUSICAL NOTES: Posthumous Amy Winehouse album Lioness: Hidden Treasures is out Dec. 6...Lady Gaga and her mom starting the Born This Way Foundation for youth empowerment...Coldplay came out on top this week...Metallica fans don't take kindly to being canceled on in India...Sugarland performed a free show at Indianapolis' Conseco Fieldhouse in honor of the victims of the stage collapse at the Indiana State Fair.
FAREWELL: Gil Cates, veteran producer who won several Emmys for his Academy Awards telecasts, died of unknown causes; he was 77...Cory Smoot, lead guitarist for thrash metal band Gwar, was found dead on the group's tour bus; no cause of death has been announced; he was 34...Wyatt Knight, actor who appeared in the Porky's trilogy, took his own life; he was 56...Leonard Stone, who played Violet's dad in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, died of cancer at 87...Police Academy actor and former football pro Charles "Bubba" Smith died of a diet pill overdose and heart disease, per autopsy results.
FASHIONABLY GREAT: Madonna adding a ladies' lifestyle line to her growing clothing empire...Reese Witherspoon promised to ditch the python bag after PETA explained in gratuitous detail how it was made.
SIXTEEN CANDLES: Happy birthday, Kendall Jenner!
SCENE: Sarah Jessica Parker sporting a momentous Philip Treacy hat at the Crown Oaks Ladies Club luncheon in Melbourne...Ashton Kutcher enlisting Danny Masterson to deejay a party he hosted in L.A. for Warby Parker Eyeware...Christian Louboutin giving Blake Lively a lift at his own book party at Barney's New York...Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Lauren Conrad and Leona Lewis tricking and treating at Adam Levine's Halloween party at Hollywood Forever cemetery...Aguilera and ex Jordan Bratman teaming up to take their knight in shining armor—son Max—trick-or-treating...LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian dressing as trailer trash for Halloween...Jennifer Love Hewitt and boyfriend Jarod Einsohn going as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to Kate Hudson's annual costume party...The real Angelina taking Maddox, Pax, Zahara and Shiloh ice skating in Budapest...Heidi Klum turning herself inside out at her own costume bash at Tao Las Vegas.