We'd love to write something clever but we're too consumed with trying to forgive ourselves for being aroused by Nancy Grace on DWTS. So let's just move through the shame cycle and get into the best of this week's Soup.
1. America's Next Top Model: The season's just kicked in, but already the judging is heating up. This week, hopeful Lisa comes under scrutiny for certain behavior that might have made her Germany's top model. In 1942.
One down, four await.
3. The Dr. Oz Show: What does it take to make a vagina happy? Dr. Oz may not be a wizard, but you better believe he's got the answer.
4. Paris Hilton: Having conquered the world of American entertainment from bad sex tapes to bad singing to bad reality shows, Paris is prepping for an assault on mother India. Unless Ghandi comes back from the dead, grabs an Uzi and does the only humane thing. On the other hand, they have tremendous respect for beasts with bovine stares, so it might just work out for her.
5. The Rachel Zoe Project: Rachel's hubby Rodger has finally proven he's good for something besides pretending he actually has some sort of function in his wife's fashion kingdom. Yes, he's knocked her up. And now he wants to go to Vegas to celebrate the maleness that Rach has all but crushed out of him. Hilarity ensues.