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Week in Review: Emmys Shock, Ashton and Charlie Both Tickle, Chaz Delights on DWTS

Ashton Kutcher, Kyle Chandler, Chaz Bono, Lacey Schwimmer, Ebony Jackson, Criss Angel CBS; ABC/ADAM TAYLOR; Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

FRIDAY NIGHT HEIGHTS: After living out its final two seasons as a DirecTV charity case, Friday Night Lights managed a Dillon Lions-style upset when Kyle Chandler topped all the usual suspects for best actor in a drama at the 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards. The 2011 Emmys, from Mad Men and Modern Family's repeat wins to Charlie Sheen's uncharacteristically tame presence, didn't offer much in the way of viral moments, but worthwhile host Jane Lynch and wins for Melissa McCarthy, Peter Dinklage, Margo Martindale and Jon Stewart (albeit The Daily Show''s ninth in a row) kept us occupied once the fashion show was over. And cameos by likes of Robert Pattinson at the afterparties kept us on our toes late into the night!

And here's everything that happened after that (plus movie reviews, recaps of your favorite shows, romantic celeb sightings, hookup dish, a pic in which Lindsay Lohan appears to be making out with her mom, and more):

WATCH: The Best of the 2011 Emmys Red Carpet!

FLOORED: The premiere of Dancing With the Stars revealed that Chaz Bono can totally bust a move. Also impressing were Chynna Phillips, J.R. Martinez and David Arquette, while Carson Kressley was easily the most fun if not the best. Elisabetta Canalis thought that was it for her, but flat-footed Metta World Peace (the former Ron Artest) and newbie partner Peta Murgatroyd were first to be sent home. Plus, it's a battle for bragging rights as Rob Kardashian follows in Kim Kardashian's footsteps.

SPOILS OF WAR: The Charlie Sheen roast was Comedy Central's most-watched roast ever and one of its most-watched shows, period, while Ashton Kutcher's Two and a Half Men debut cleaned up with 28.7 million viewers. Denise Richards didn't take part in either one, but oh, just imagine the possiblities. Could it be, though, that the Men crew got more of a kick from Charlie than Ashton? And we don't mean a substance-assisted kick!

GONE BABY GONE: The 2-year-old daughter of 16 and Pregnant pair Josh Rendon and Ebony Jackson was taken away by child services after narcs and Little Rock Air Force Base investigators searched the couple's home, found marijuana and deemed their living conditions "deplorable" for various unsavory-sounding reasons.

MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN: Criss Angel popped the question to Sandra Gonzalez with a 5-carat ring he helped design. Or pulled out of a hat.

WHOA BABY: Emily Deschanel and hubby David Hornsby welcomed a son, Henry...Jennifer Garner dishes on pregnancy and her daughter's cute comments...It's gonna be a girl for Marla Sokoloff and hubby Alex Puro...Baby No. 2 on the way for Ne-Yo and girlfriend Monyetta Shaw...Kimberly Stewart's daughter's name reflects both parents: Delilah Genoveva Stewart Del Toro...Mel B and Stephen Belafonte debut new daughter Madison.

JUDAS: Lady Gaga is alive and well, just hoaxed.

PLAYING BALL: Already making the rounds for Moneyball, Brad Pitt found himself still clarifying his feelings about his six-years-ago marriage to Jennifer Anistonnot because Jen cares, mind you. At least he was able to talk about stuff that's actually happening now a little bit.

DON'T STOP BELIEVIN': Michaele Salahi and Journey guitarist Neal Schon compare their love affair to a fairytale. Tareq Salahi and Schon's ex-wife Amber Kozan, however, paint a more Grimm picture.

IMAGE PROBLEM: Sarah Michelle Gellar may have a serious condition called body dysmorphic disorder, but if she doesn't...she shouldn't say she "totally" does.

IT'S ALL RELATIVE: Er, Lindsay Lohan? We don't think French-kissing your mom is the way to go right now. Maybe when you win an Oscar. (But way to distract from randomly smooching hotelier Vikram Chatwal!)

GETTING SERIOUS: Wanda Sykes revealed she underwent a double mastectomy after being diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer.

PTSD: A disoriented Kim Delaney had to be removed from the stage while speaking at the Liberty Medal Awards as she confused her tour of duty on Army Wives with actual military service.

BIEBS & GOMEZ PLUS 6: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are apparently getting started on their Christmas cards, circa 2018, early.

HIGH NOON: A bull-ridin' Bristol Palin sparred with a Sarah Palin basher at a bar and it went all wrong, very fast...Meanwhile, Levi Johnston unloaded to E! News at a rapid clip about Sarah's cougar crush and bedtime habits.

JUST CAUSE: Earlier in the week, Kim Kardashian, Big Boi, Rosario Dawson, Russell Simmons and more got the word out in support of stopping the planned execution of convicted murderer Troy Davis in Georgia. Davis was put to death Wednesday, maintaining his innocence in the 1989 shooting of a cop all the way. Alec Baldwin shared his outrage after the fact.

UNCOUPLED: Lea Michelle and boyfriend Theo Stockman split up...Lily Collins and Taylor Lautner have called it quits...Teen Mom's Gary Shirley says he and Amber Portwood are finished...Matt Roth filed for divorce from Roseanne star Laurie Metcalf.

ROYAL CORNER: Kate Middleton is really taking princess lessons...PETA would prefer it if Prince William doesn't shoot birds and make a spectacle of gifting them...Pippa Middleton isn't really moving in with Will and Kate...Pippa did take a seat at the Temperley London show during London Fashion Week.

THELMA AND LA SLEAZE: Eva Amurri's engagement party at Lavo in the Palazzo in Las Vegas is apparently come one, come all.

HOLY FUTURESEX!: Jessica Biel's big ole baby bump sure threw people for a loop.

ONCE BITTEN: This whole Nicolas Cage-vampire thing is too eerie. But it explains a lot.

LAW & DISORDER: Paris Hilton successfully completed her Vegas coke bust probation...Jury seated for Conrad Murray's involuntary manslaughter trial...Bling Ringer Rachel Lee cuts a deal for Audrina Patridge burglary...John Travolta talks to E! about his stolen Mercedes...Gisele Bündchen talks her way out of a ticket without saying a word...Kate Gosselin wasn't as lucky...Tom Sizemore busted on outstanding battery warrant. Tremendous...Charlie Sheen could be $25 million richer after Warner Bros. pays up.

READ: Is Posting Hacked Scarlett Johansson Nudes a Crime—or Art?

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Breaking Dawn Part 1 Andrew Cooper, Summit Entertainment

SCREEN PLAY: Bella and Edward's sex life is at the mercy of the MPAA...Steve Martin offers up Oscar-hosting advice to Eddie Murphy...Where Do We Go Know? from Lebanon won the coveted Audience Award at the Toronto International Film Festival...Behind the scenes of Ron and Hermione's Deathly Hallows makeout sesh...Production on Cloud Atlas shuffled after Halle Berry injures her foot...Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone show chemistry in The Gangster Squad...Robert Downey Jr.'s in disguise again in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows...New trailers for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and J. Edgar...Reviews of Moneyball and Abduction.

TV LAND: The X Factor premiered, excitingand sometimes racy—stuff, but it's not as if they let creepy Geo Godley expose himself to America!...The New Girl is Fox's first hit sitcom in a long time...Supernatural set visit...All My Children signs off...Gary Busey will swap wives with minister Ted Haggard...Taylor Armstrong is wearing Russell Armstrong's wedding ring as she speaks out about his suicide and past abuse...Alex McCord isn't ready to give up, but does Bravo already have its eye on some new Real Housewives of New York City...Bethenny Frankel isn't shocked by the shakeup...Shocker: Doug Hutchison and teen bride Courtney Stodden are making a reality-show deal...Lifetime canceled Roseanne's Nuts...Ted Danson made his CSI debut...Kirstie Alley denies plastic surgery rumors...Dan will be taking some liberties with sexual preference on Gossip Girl...Teresa Giudice's hubby no longer filing for bankruptcy...Jon Cryer gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...Hugh Jackman didn't really break anyone's jaw during his WWE appearance...SPOILER CHAT!

RECAPVILLE: Get up to speed on Glee, Grey's Anatomy, Jersey Shore, America's Next Top Model, Toddlers & Tiaras, Survivor: South Pacific, Teen Mom, The Biggest Loser, the Hell's Kitchen season finale.

READ: Big Bang Theory, Charlie's Angels, The Office (Minus Steve Carell): Fall TV Winners...or Losers?

MUSICAL NOTES: R.E.M. are calling it quits after 31 years together...Robert Pattinson isn't cutting an album...Hear Chris Daughtry's spankin'-new contribution to the Batman: Arkham City soundtrack, "Drown in You"...Kelly Clarkson opens up to E!...Beyoncé is the "happiest" she's ever been...In wake of teen fan's suicide, Lady Gaga vows to see that bullying is made illegal as a hate crime...Fergie's been cast in wax...Lady Gaga's sister, Natali Germanotta, talks to Teen Vogue...Britney Spears' real-life boyfriend Jason Trawick saves the day in her "Criminal" video.

FASHIONABLY GREAT: Emily Blunt is the new face of YSL's classic fragrance Opium...George Clooney was willing to get married for DnB NOR, a Norwegian bank.

FARWELLS: Vesta Williams, R&B singer of "Congratulations" and "I'll Be Good to You," was found dead in an L.A. hotel room; she had professed to being 53 but her age was also reported as 48.

SURREAL ESTATE: Ryan Reynolds is unloading his L.A. home and is looking to settle down in Tribeca—not in Austin, with we-wish hookup Sandra Bullock...Rosie O'Donnell setting up shop in a classic Chicago rowhouse for $2.5 million...A rustic "tree house" in the Hollywood Hills that once belonged to Heath Ledger is on the market for $2.995 million...Camille Grammer has listed her palatial Colorado vacation home for $7.9 million, while Lisa Vanderpump and hubby Ken Todd have downsized to 8,000 square feet in Beverly Hills.

READ: She Bangs: Which Hottie's Hairdo Looks Best?

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony BRJ/Fame Pictures; RAMEY PHOTO

SEEN: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony splashing around with their twins at the pool at Anthony's Miami loft...Jon Hamm puckering up for longtime love Jennifer Westfeldt in L.A....Rosie O'Donnell taking new girlfriend Michelle Rounds to her annual Rosie Theater Kids Gala in Manhattan...Alex Pettyfer in nothing but boxer briefs and a hoodie (damn that hoodie!) on the set of Magic Mike...Kate Winslet hanging with Richard Branson's unfortunately named nephew, Ned Rocknroll, in London...Kristen Stewart and Kate Moss sitting in the front row at the Mulberry show during London Fashion Week...Pete Wentz stepping out in L.A. with son Bronx and a model gal-pal...Broken-footed Halle Berry heading out of Mallorca on crutches...Lisa Rinna, Denise Richards and Brooke Burke-Charvet attending Tori Spelling's baby shower in Malibu...Ashley Olsen among the revelers at Nicole Richie's 30th birthday party at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel...Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux headed to a Christie's auction benefiting Artists for Haiti in NYC...Freshman Dakota Fanning out and about on NYU's Greenwich Village campus...Rob Pattinson buying a bench and lamps at T.I.N.I. in Los Angeles...Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries having dinner à deux at Serafina in NYC...Camille Grammer bringing new beau Dimitri George Charalambopoulos to Lisa Vanderpump's birthday party at Sur Lounge in West Hollywood...Sofía Vergara launching her new fashion line at Kmart...Olivia Wilde, Elizabeth Olsen, Charlize Theron and Leighton Meester enjoying themselves at the HTC Serves Up NYC bash at Highland Studios...Scarlett Johansson taking in a burlesque show in Paris with Kieran Culkin...Vanessa Hudgens and Austin Bell cozying up over shakes at Bob's Big Boy in Studio City...Emmy Rossum shooting a bikini scene for Shameless.

GALLERY: Don't get too lost in the Big Picture gallery on your way to brunch

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