What is the point of Big Brother, really?
Well, for starters, it's about forming alliances, competing, strategizing, manipulating, backstabbing, giving others a sense of false comfort and, in some cases, downright lying. All that while still keeping the jury on your side, mind you!
And tonight, before the winner of the CBS show's 13th season was crowned, it was about hanging onto a board while whirling around in a disturbingly yellow vat of butter.
Anyway, who was the mastermind with the most: newcomer Adam Poch, fellow newbie Porsche Briggs or veteran Rachel Reilly?
"Porsche, I adore you, I'm very proud of you. And Rachel, you're lucky this is not a personality contest," sniped jury member Daniele Donato as she cast her vote.
Well, Rachel probably isn't too concerned about what type of contest this is, because she's currently $500,000 richer!
The jury voted 4-3 in favor of the 26-year-old veteran from Las Vegas, who followed up a mediocre showing in season 12 (first member of the Big Brother jury) with the big win in season 13. First into her arms, besides runner-up Porsche, was boyfriend Brendon Villegas, who obviously cast his vote in favor of his sweetheart.
After winning for HoH competitions and two PoVs (this show really has its own language), here's how Rachel made it happen tonight:
As the final Head of Household, Rachel chose to face off against Porsche for the grand prize, thereby evicting Adam.
"If I was in the final two, I would've won," Adam said confidently when Julie Chen asked if Rachel had made the right decision by evicting him.
Maybe, but we'll never know.
"Whee! Cinderella story right here!" Rachel whooped to the camera as she managed to hang onto the board and stay out of the butter the longest to win part one of the final HoH competition.
Porsche sank Adam in part two, the underwater maze, and then Rachel topped Porsche in part three when she correctly guessed that the "biggest lie told all season" was "anything that came out of Shelly's mouth."
"I hope you see something good in me also to compete in life and do something good with it," Porsche, who at least won $50,000 for her efforts, pleaded with the jury before they cast their final votes.
Funnyguy Jeff Schroeder, who apologized for not having "anything cute to say" as he cast his vote, won $25,000 as America's Favorite Houseguest, which fans voted for online.
(Originally published Sept. 14, 2011, at 8:30 p.m. PT)