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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: "I'm Not a Crazy Pageant Mom, I'm an Insane One!"

Well, it's gonna be hard for this Toddlers & Tiaras episode to live up to the full-tilt boogie of Paisley's Pretty Woman routine last week, but let's give it a try, shall we?

Tonight's big hook is 11-year-old Sydney and 10-year-old Madison going head-to-head at the International Fresh Faces Pageant in Popular Bluff, Mo. While seeing older girls featured is kinda refreshing, unfortunately they can be just as obnoxious as the tiny brats.

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Sydney tells us she's "bubbly, cute, divalicious and spaztastic." Oh joy. At least she left out "modest." Looks like she gets this attitude from mama Marlo who cackles, "I'm not a crazy pageant mom, I'm an insane one!" Though, her idea of insanity seems to be making racist jokes while giving her daughter a pedicure. Around here, we call that being a douche. The mom and daughter also like to drag around a baby doll and pretend it's real as if to say, See, folks, that Marlo sure is wacky! Ugh.
 
On the flipside, Madison's mom, Heather, is keen on lying low, so Maddie's pageant career is fostered by mom's BFF "Aunt "Jamie and Jamie's mother "Pageant Grandma" Tina.

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We also meet 6-year-old Paige, 6, whose PRIMARY...METHOD...OF...SPEECH...IS...SHOUUUUUTINGGGGG! Her family also has a tanning bed in the living room. Wow.

Pageant time! Ooh, and there's a scandal brewing already. Madison and Sydney have booked the same hair stylist, Dane Dane. This leads to some bribery from Tina and some smack talk from Marlo.

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Oy, Madison all dolled up kinda looks like Real Housewives' Lisa Vanderpump—who's 51.

We do have to give props to both Sydney and Madison in the Outfit of Choice portion, though. These girls definitely enjoy performing, which is far more entertaining to watch than a 2-year-old trying to shake her hips or waving from a toy car. Poor Paige, on the other hand, looks just miserable throughout the whole pageant.

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Crowning! Paige nabs Princess (aka second runner-up) in her age division, which is better than we expected for her, so yay? Madison scores Grand Supreme for the 4-10 age division, and Sydney does the same for the 11-and-up group. Awww, and the rivals are both really cool about winning the same title and not taking Ultimate Grand Supreme. Guess older girls aren't so bratty after all!

What did you think of tonight's show? Bored by the lack of sugared-up tots? Relieved at the lack of screeching? Sound off in the comments!

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