Christopher Polk/Getty Images
Christopher Polk/Getty Images
If you watch the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, be prepared to take a long hot shower.
If you're anything like me, it will leave you feeling dirty.
Sure, the jokes were funny and as nasty as ever, but...
What made this roast different than most others is that this time around, the roastee seemed to be celebrated for two things—his unapologetic abuse of drugs and his horrendous treatment of other people (i.e., women).
A very wide-eyed Brooke Mueller was the only one of the actor's exes to attend. "She's here voluntarily," roast master Seth MacFarlane said. "No one put a knife to her throat."
Hilarious. Who doesn't love some good domestic violence humor?
Jon Lovitz also recognized Mueller by referring to her and Sheen's recent trip to Mexico. "He banged her a-- so hard, three balloons of coke fell out," he said to many laughs.
And this was just the beginning. By night's end, the crowd was entertained with references to Sheen's alleged shooting of ex-girlfriend Kelly Preston and his lack of fathering skills.
"Charlie," roast regular Jeffrey Ross (dressed a Muammar Gaddafi) said, "if you are winning this must not be a child custody hearing."
He went on to say that the only time's Sheen's kids see him "are on reruns."
Sheen's dance with death was also a hot topic. Ross asked Sheen to stay alive so he could at least see his young children's "first twelve steps."
Of Sheen's unapologetic battle with substance abuse, Ross said, "His nostrils are so snotty and full of coke, he calls them the Hilton sisters."
The roasters also included William Shatner, Mike Tyson, Steve-O, comedians Amy Schumer, Patrice O'Neal, Anthony Jeselnik and—ready for this?— Private Practice star Kate Walsh. In addition to Mueller, the audience also included Dog the Bounty Hunter, Slash, Richard Kind, Michael Boatman, Kristy Swanson, Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis, reality television star Kristin Cavallari, Corbin Bernsen and lawyer to the stars, Marty Singer.
The gay slurs were hurled, not at the Platoon star, but at MacFarlane, Tyson, Lovitz and Sheen's former boss, Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre.
Theme for the evening (it took place on the Sony lot) was "Temple of Sheen." The red black carpet was lined with about a dozen boob-baring women painted and dressed like roman statues of—what else?—goddesses (check out the pics on my WhoSay page). The roast airs on Comedy Central on Sept. 19, the same night Two and a Half Men kills off Sheen character's and launches Kutcher's.
"Wow, what a night," Sheen said. "Till tonight, I never realized how f—ked up I was. All this time I thought I was just having fun."
He also said, "The thing is once again, I come out unscathed. You can't hurt me. Hell, I can't even hurt me. Drugs couldn't kill me. Sex couldn't kill me. The press couldn't kill me. Two and a Half Men couldn't kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to kill me?"
The self-described warlock rock star from Mars with Tiger blood running through his veins declared, "I'm done with the winning cause I've already won. This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie Sheen. In here burns an internal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe."
Let's hope you do, Charlie. Let's hope you do.