Have you heard? Toddlers & Tiaras is back by popular demand! And TLC brings out the big glitz for the first bonus episode: the Gold Coast pageant in Las Vegas.
So which little divas were high rollers? Order a comped cocktail and let's discuss...
First we meet Desiree, whose mom, Katie, announces, "We are glitzy, gaudy and proud of it!" The 10-year-old then happily tells us her goal in life is to be Miss America...or a showgirl. Um, at least she's consistent?
Kayla, 3, is convinced she's a shoo-in to win. Although she has yet to actually see her competition, she declares, "All those girls are ugly!" Mom April thinks Kayla's "cockiness"—aka screeching, slapping and all-around bratting—is "so cute." Yeah, just wait till she's a teenager.
But it's 4-year-old Kailia who appears to have Lady Luck on her side—she comes from a family of genuine Vegas performers! Mom Marcy was a "magician's assistant" back in the day and dad "has produced shows for over 40 years." What kind of and what caliber of shows, we are not told.
So, we've seen these kids go through a lot of torture primping: spray tans, shellacked locks, pinned-on wigs, waxed eyebrows, glued-on eyelashes and shoved-in flippers. But tonight stacks the deck: Colored contact lenses. "Maybe I'm a little bit too young to have contacts," Desiree tearfully notes as her coach, Miss Chambrie, attempts to stick the purely cosmetic lenses into the kid's eyes with her French-manicured talons.
We cashed in our shocked chips too soon. Mom Katie also decides to superglue Desiree's slipping flipper into her mouth. Yikes!
The best part of the Wow Wear competition is trying to guess the real songs the girls are performing to (looks like TLC doesn't get clearance rights and swaps in so-bad-it's-good replacement music). Place your best bets in the comments for Kayla's belly-baring Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader number, Kailia's cowgirl routine and Desiree's showgirl act.
On to crowning, and it's time to double-down, folks. Well, at lest for some of the girls. Desiree only places second runner-up in her age group, green eyes be damned. Kayla scores Queen in her age group, then takes Grand Supreme—and throws a freakin' fit onstage. That'll show those uglies!
Last but not least, Kailia lives up to her family's Vegas legacy, taking first runner-up in her age division and then hitting the jackpot with Ultimate Grand Supreme. How she came in second in her age group but first in the whole pageant is a mystery right up there with her dad's career.
So do you think Kailia and Kayla deserved their big wins? Was Desiree robbed? Throw your own tantrum in the comments!