If you felt like this past week should have been named after Kim Kardashian, then you're right on track.
There were other celebs that made a lot (and for some, a lot a lot) of news this week. And if you happened to slack off and lose track of what has been happening, we got it all right here for your reading pleasure...
AN EVENT OF KARDASHIAN PROPORTIONS: Kim Kardashian is tying the knot today! Ninety-nine percent of the details are under wraps, but we know that Vera Wang is dressing the bride in white and the bridal party in not-green, the ceremony and reception are in Montecito, Calif., Justin Bieber is supposedly invited and Ryan Seacrest will be there. You'll know more as soon as we do!
HOUSEWIVES HORROR: Russell Armstrong, estranged husband of The Real Housewives of Bevelry Hills' Taylor Armstrong, committed suicide by hanging at his home. His body was discovered Monday night, sending Taylor, his friends and possibly litigious family reeling. Condolences poured in from Housewives all over the place, while Russell's lawyer told E! News that his client was often depressed over the state of his marriage—something the mud-slinging on TRHOBH didn't help—and various financial and personal issues. Bravo exec Andy Cohen says the network still isn't quite sure how to proceed with the series' Sept. 5 season premiere, or if they will at all.
SHRIEK NOW: Whoops! A gust from a wind machine sent Taylor Swift 's skirt aflutter while she was onstage in St. Louis, revealing a glimpse of flesh-colored undies to a camera that you'd think had been just waiting for that to happen! Hey, the Fearless singer can be glad she's not one to go commando.
TEE'D OFF: Abercrombie & Fitch, which sells or has sold "The Fitchuation" and "G.T.L. (You Know the Deal)" T-shirts, actually offered Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino money not to wear the A&F brand after he donned a few logo pieces on episodes of Jersey Shore, admitting that they think it hurts their high-and-mightiness image. Image as what? As the clothing maker that offered thongs and padded bikini tops for kids? Fine, The Situation can just take his abs elsewhere, cash in hand.
NO-CLASS PASSENGER: Gérard Depardieu urinated in the aisle on an Air France flight destined for Dublin after refusing to wait out a takeoff delay during which he couldn't use the lavatory. No commentary needed on this one, just cold, wet facts. Meanwhile, we wouldn't exactly say he's in good company, but he's not alone, and Anderson Cooper, for one, was highly amused.
WHOA BABY: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren welcomed their second daughter, Haven Garner...Hilary Duff and hubby of one year Mike Comrie are expecting...Kevin Federline and girlfriend Victoria Prince welcomed a daughter, Jordan Kay; it's her first, K-Fed's fifth (just sayin')...Kourtney Kardashian addresses bump rumors...David Copperfield's and girlfriend Chloe Gosselin welcomed their second daughter together; she's 16 months old now, but still...Kate Hudson cozies up to son Bingham Hawn Bellamy.
WEDDING BELLS: Longtime couple David Charvet and Brooke Burke making it official in St. Barts...Tara Reid tied the knot with Zack Kehayov in Greece, with a ring and a honeymoon and everything...Michael Kors swapped vows with partner Lance LePere...David Cross and Amber Tamblyn are engaged...Sherri Shepherd and Lamar Sally married in Chicago.
QUESTION ANSWERED: No, they're not OK.
HOW TO SAVE A LIFE: Gwyneth Paltrow once gooped up Manhattan traffic sufficiently enough that a former World Trade Center employee credits the Oscar winner with making her late for work on 9-11. Hence, she's alive today to tell the story.
FUNNY NOT-HA: David Letterman was targeted on an extremist website frequented by al-Qaida members are someone was apparently offended by the Late Show host poking fun at the death of an accused terrorist leader.
KITCHEN TEMPERAMENTAL: Anthony Bourdain took it upon himself to chastise Paula Deen for cooking delicious, albeit buttery and cholesterol-filled food, accusing her of reveling in "unholy connections with evil corporations." But even if she does, her food most certainly doesn't "suck."
POOF!: Christine O'Donnell, the former U.S. Senate candidate who, er, joked about dabbling in witchcraft, stormed off during an interview on Piers Morgan Tonight after the Brit dared ask about her stance on gay marriage.
LAW & DISORDER: Shane Sparks sentenced to 270 days in jail for having sex with a girl younger than 16...RuPaul's Drag Race winner James Ross busted for pot possession...Another reporter arrested in News of the World hacking scandal...New Jersey man who slammed into Robin Quivers' car and took off was later cited for reckless driving and leaving the scene...The Game won't be charged for tying up a sheriff's station switchboard...Florida man embarrassed, er, arrested for trying to steal a lifesize cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber from a record store...A SWAT team really did descend on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' Beverly Hills home because someone was burgled down the street...Trial date set for alleged Paris Hilton harasser...Daniel Baldwin appears happy to neither divorce nor restrain his wife...Ex-Queens of the Stone Age bassist Nick Oliveri charged in SWAT standoff...That's So Raven's Orlando Brown picked up for DUI...Estella Warren pleaded no contest for DUI...Lindsay Lohan suing Pitbull over a song lyrics...Teen model sues for big bucks over a T-shirt.
TV LAND: Jennifer Aniston? On Days of Our Lives?...Adam Levine accuses American Idol of keeping contestants in the closet...TLC cancels Kate Plus 8, makes Jon Gosselin's day...Charlie Sheen is gearing up to be roasted and coming to terms with getting killed off...But first, he faced the Insane Clown Posse's fans, and won...Ashton Kutcher's been given a rather winning trailer...Jennifer Lopez is really returning to American Idol...The Vampire Diaries peeps are looking good for season three...Several signed Game of Thrones scripts designated for charity have gone missing, per George R.R. Martin...Josh Groban is headed to The Office to play Andy's brother...Joss Whedonites headed to Supernatural...She may have lost George Clooney, but Elisabetta Canalis may have landed a spot on Dancing With the Stars...No Snooki or Queen Latifah on DWTS this season...Grey's Anatomy guys reveal season eight secrets...The Price Is Right shut down for a day while Drew Carey gets patched up...Danny Devito got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...The Talk is probably going to silence Holly Robinson Peete and Leah Remini...SPOILER ALERT!
SCREEN PLAY: For the record, Glee works better as a TV show...Anne Hathaway has a message for the paps creepin' around the Dark Knight Rises set...Tom Cruise's next gig as a giant ex-military badass in One Shot isn't sitting well with some...Jeff Bridges, Julianne Moore and their co-dudes showed up for this year's Lebowski Fest...Why doesJackie Chan keep getting kill offed on the Internet?...Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie chartered a three-car train to haul their entire brood from London's Euston station to Glasgow, Scotland, where daddy's shooting World War Z...Megan Fox is in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up sequel, This Is Forty...Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer and Matthew McConaughey are bringing all their abs to Magic Mike...Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark survivor Reeve Carney will play Jeff Buckley in the second Buckley biopic announced recently...Too many Austins, Austin?
TRAILER PARK: Here's a new slew of Breaking Dawn pics and the first poster with people on it...Does Immortals have enough rippling muscles for you?...Daniel Radcliffe camps out at a creepy house along with The Woman in Black...Sarah Jessica Parker tries to have it all in I Don't Know How She Does It...New look at Michelle Williams in My Week With Marilyn...The house that wants to eat her isn't getting any less scary for Bailee Madison in Don't Be Afraid of the Dark...Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman are held hostage in Trespass...The Avengers takes Cleveland...The Dark Knight Rises raises a ruckus in Pittsburgh...Leonardo DiCaprio states his case and plumps his face in J. Edgar...Julianne Hough cuts loose in Footloose.
MUSICAL NOTES: Taylor Momsen says she has quit acting to focus full-time on her band...Janet Jackson, Maroon 5 and Lady Antebellum cancel apperances at the Indiana State Fair following the stage collapse that killed five; Sugarland would have been onstage within moments... Three people were killed at the open-air Pukkelpop fest in Belgium, where Foo Fighters were headlining, when violent weather felled trees and caused stages and tents to collapse...Katy Perry and Michael Jackson are the only artists to have five No. 1 singles off the same album since Billboard started keeping track...Eminem crowned King of Hip-Hop...Lady Gaga's "Yoü and I" video premieres, not all of it with choreographer Laurieann Gibson's blessing...Kiss isn't welcome at the M.J. tribute concert in Wales...An 11-year-old "mayor for a day" contest winner renamed a street in Forney, Texas, Justin Beiber Way...Green Day debuts "Amy," a tribute song for Amy Winehouse.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino is frontin' Philips Norelco razors' back-to-school campaign...Salma Hayek covers Allure...NFL hunk Mark Sanchez reveals who he'd like to be more than Friends with in GQ...Bella Swan's Carolina Herrera wedding gown is headed for the rack...Gaga's Workshop elves will spearhead Barneys New York's 2011 holiday campaign this winter.
SEEN: Madonna locking lips with boyfriend Brahim Zaibat on a Hamptons beach, perhaps to distract the 24-year-old from the fact that it was her 53rd birthday...Heidi Klum showing off her own dunes on the beach in Porto Cervo, Italy...Eric Dane strolling through L.A.'s Coldwater Canyon Park with daughter Billie Beatrice...Lady Gaga taking a surfing lesson in Puerto Vallarta...Miranda Cosgrove being wheeled through LAX because of the broken ankle she suffered in a bus crash...Julia Roberts and hubby Danny Moder taking care of their brood on the beach in Hawaii...Somewhre down the Hawaiian road, Reese Witherspoon was sunning and funning with hubby Jim Toth and her two kids...Halle Berry turning 45 while her body stays 25 in Malibu...Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock and her son Louis taking a hike (well, Louis was along for the ride in a backpack carrier) in Wyoming's Grand Teton National Park...Robert Pattinson, Jessica Simpson and fiancé Eric Johnson, Christina Aguilera, Dianna Agron, Gordon Ramsey, Jessica Capshaw, Kevin McHale and Amber Riley loving Adele at L.A.'s Greek Theater...Vanessa Hudgens doing lunch with sister Stella in L.A., then hopping into her arty Audi...Joe Jonas ringing in his 22nd year at a variety of Vegas hot spots over the weekend.