Ah, Bachelor Pad, where the challenges may as well be called, "Who Do You Hate Most?"
Tonight's episode started off with a friendly little game of "Target on Your Back," in which literal targets were painted on the men and women so that members of the opposite sex could anonymously pummel them with paint-filled eggs.
So, who ended up looking "like Picasso went to town on her back"?
That would be tiara queen Erica Rose, who merited that little observation from William Holman after pretty much sweeping the field when it came to who the guys found "least attractive."
Jake Pavelka was the biggest loser on the men's side, as pretty much all the ladies pummeled him when asked who it was they wanted to go home this week.
Michael Stagliano and Melissa Schreiber landed the most direct hits and each won a date for three for their efforts.
Having beaned Erica with a fastball to win the challenge, Michael invited her out of guilt, as well as Michelle Money and his ex-fiancée, Holly Durst.
After the odd quartet traipsed through a haunted hospital together, Michael and Holly stole away for some emotional alone time, during which Michael flat-out admitted he still loved her. She blamed all their troubles on bad timing, and the pair left us wondering why they couldn't just kiss and makeup for the cameras, dammit!
As for Melissa, she acted about as naive as they come, asking the very Bentley-esque Blake Julian, who may not be attracted to Melissa but will "do what he's got to do" to get the rose; Vienna Girardi's boyfriend Kasey Kahl, who fancies himself "the godfather" of these proceedings and considers Melissa "expendable"; and Kirk DeWindt, who's all right for now, to spend the day on a yacht with her.
"Kissing her didn't seem like a big deal, it just seemed like an easy way to keep her pacified for a moment," Blake said of putting the moves on Melissa, who had promised the rose ahead of time to Kasey in exchange for an alliance but then gave it to her charming suitor instead.
Quote of the night? "This is going to be romantic for us!" Kirk joked as he and Kasey boarded a little boat back to shore.
Yes, Blake's being a jerk and if he does indeed have feelings they're definitely for Holly, but Melissa is also acting pret-ty ridiculous. Maybe it's a toss-up as to who's more repellent.
In the meantime, Jake was moping around the house, sure that he was the next guy going home. He even approached Vienna for so-called help, asking if he could talk to her for a moment.
She flatly denied, telling him in front of a big group, "I'm uncomfortable talking to you without Kasey," and making a big stink about the whole thing.
He trudged off, and the other roomies (headed up by one-time Jake admirer Gia Allemand) started to feel sorry for Jake and a bit appalled by how self-righteous, dramatic and manipulative Vienna was being.
But after another failed attempt on Jake's part to approach both Vienna and Kasey about saving him this week, the voice of reason, Chris Harrison, popped by to offer up this week's twist:
Two people would leaving the show tonight, but it would be two women. Cue Jake's sigh of relief and Vienna's look of panicky disbelief.
Kasey actually did end up making some pretty crafty moves in the final stretch before the rose ceremony. First, he told Gia that her supposedly good buddy Graham Bunn was talking smack about her. He didn't count on her confronting Graham, which in turn made Graham hate Kasey a little bit more, but the revelation that she couldn't trust anybody prompted Gia to pack her bags and leave.
"You don't even want to give them the satisfaction to vote you out!" she sobbed as the limo drove her away.
Kasey also promised golden couple Ames Brown and Jackie Gordon that they were indeed "golden," only to lead the campaign to get Jackie kicked off. Which she was.
Ames walked her out, and, just as we were thinking that he was way too sweet for this snake pit anyway, he chased down Jackie's departing limo and left the show with her.
"I think it's safe to say we won Bachelor Pad 2," Ames told his new girlfriend amid all the kissing.
So, best Bachelor Pad moment (if not best Bachelor and Bachelorette moment, too) of all time? Share your "aw, shucks" and your "awful schmucks" thoughts in the comments section!
(Originally published Aug. 15, 2011, 8 p.m. PT)