Devoting the "RidicuList" segment on Thursday's Anderson Cooper 360 to the issue-addled R&B star, Cooper denounced Brown's upcoming romantic comedy gig by recapping the singer's least likable moments of the past two years.
"I, for one, cannot imagine why this did not happen sooner," he said in mock awe, referring to Brown joining the cast of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, based on a relationship-advice book by comedian Steve Harvey.
The newsman is a little late on the draw, considering the casting was announced some time ago, but he tore into it like it was hot off the presses!
"If there's one thing you can say about Chris Brown, who's on probation for viciously assaulting his then girlfriend Rihanna: He just oozes romance," Cooper said, doing his best Bill Maher-"New Rules" impression.
Referring to Brown's video mea culpa issued in the wake of his arrest as a "love poem," he entreatied the audience, "I ask you, could Percy Bysshe Shelley himself conjure a more romantic sentiment? Chris Brown has the romance thing down!"
"But remember," Cooper continued, "this movie is a romantic comedy, which is perfect, because the only thing Chris Brown does better than romance is comedy."
With that, he offered up a clip of Brown's charming sit-down with Robin Roberts on Good Morning America, the Q&A that resulted in him throwing a chair at a window as he stormed back to his dressing room.
"That was hilarious!" Cooper exclaimed with the glee of someone whose job is usually focused on famines, economic crises and war zones. "It was also kind of romantic when you think about it, because his violent meltdown was inspired by, you guessed it, a lady." (Meaning Roberts, who asked Brown whether he had seen Rihanna lately.)
"Slick," he said of Brown turning the conversation back to his new album. "It's like something out of When Harry Met Sally."
Cooper capped off the rant with a mention of Brown calling "a bunch of photographers 'gay' because he thought they called the police to give him a parking ticket. Hmmm...You know, just like in Sleepless in Seattle."
Brown was also called out for a Twitter feud laced with "horrific slurs about homosexuality and molestation."
"He sort of apologized" for that one, Cooper admitted.
Brown, perhaps suspecting that no good can come from lashing out at Anderson Cooper, even if in self-defense, kept refreshingly quiet on the subject.
"I guess people need ratings!!! Lol!!! It's cool. Much love!" he tweeted Sunday.