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True Blood Recap! Vampires Versus Witches, Part 1

Kristin Bauer van Straten, Alexander Skarsgard, Deborah Ann Woll, Jessica Tuck, Stephen Moyer, True Blood, Publicity Art Art Streiber/HBO

Even though all you fangbangers debated the yumminess scale of Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) and Sookie's (Anna Paquin) swamp sex, we were mighty pleased with their virginesque act of passion.

Sadly their delish fairytale time together isn't gonna last long tho, ‘cause there's a 400-year-old crazy lady out for the bloodsuckers blood.

So what happened in witch-filled Bon Temps post-romp?

RELATED: Alexander Skarsgård to Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa: "Let's Get Naked!"

King Bill Gets Down to Business
Bill's (Stephen Moyer) kinda sexy when he takes control, isn't he? It's slightly confusing, but basically Marnie's (Fiona Shaw) inhabited by that sexy Spaniard, Antonia, who forced vamps to the sun a long, long time ago, so His Majesty orders all vamps to either leave the state or get covered in silver chains, bondage style. Got that?

What we don't get is why all the vamps chose the silver chains option. Torture? Nuhuh, we would've used our vamp skills and ran the hell out of Louisiana, pronto.

Best Slow-mo Sequence... Eva!
As True Blood dawdled along with super slow-mo time, Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) managed to escape those damn chains and worry us all. BTW, that's another reason the vamps should've just gone down to Mississippi. Those chains don't even work right.

So yeah, our fave redhead is possibly dead. Cliffhanger, maybe? But we doubt she'll die because Jason's (Ryan Kwanten) coming to save Jess (‘cause he looves her), so that should help y'all worried nights for the next week.

Tara Is Team Witches
And Sookie is Team Vampires (duh) so be on the lookout for a BFF showdown. Marnie/Antonia totes capitalized on Tara's (Rutina Wesley) "poor me" thang and now she's off making anti-vamp spells with the worst of ‘em. Puh-leeze Tara, it's all about Team Vampires. We get that the girl's been through a lot and everything, but come on Tara! The whiny deal's getting a teensy bit old, hon.

Can Tara just be the adorbs best friend with the adorbs hot girlfriend? Oh yeah, she ditched the hot girlfriend. Smart move, T., smart move.

Bring on the war, supernaturals. So who do you side with: Team Witch or Team Vamp?

PHOTOS: True Blood Season Four Premiere

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