Toddlers & Tiaras finally features the illustrious Rock Star Divas and Dolls pageant in Darien, Ga., an event so upscale it's held at a local middle-school gym.
So who stole the show tonight: outspoken 3-year-old Olivia, or her foot-in-mouth mama?
Let's pop some Pixy Stix and discuss!
No Cure for Stupid: "We stopped doing local pageants because it became completely unfair," says Olivia's mom, Karey. Her definition of "unfair"? "There always seemed to be this child or that child who had a history of cancer or some other illness, and I feel sorry for them, but that shouldn't sway a judge's mind. And I think in a glitz pageant, you won't have to worry about those kinds of decisions coming into play." Yes, she really said that.
Poor Painted Pony: Our hearts are breaking for Olivia's pet miniature horse, Bubbles, who Karey dyes purple, flat-irons his mane and tops with a tiara. Where's Pink when you need her? Maybe this (and the quote above) is what caused the 3-year-old to scornfully whisper to her mama, "I. Don't. Like. You."
Topcoat Tot: We're not sure which part of 2-year-old Peyton's spray-tan segment we loved more, the repeated cuts to the "Are you wearing the correct respirator?" sign, or auto body shop owner Jeremy Pittman shrugging, "It's just like painting a car."
It Gets Better: We're trying to keep an open mind about 7-year-old Haley's self-proclaimed "diva dad" Daniel. Yes, his campy demeanor screams, "I'm John Michael Higgins' character in Happily Divorced," but who doesn't love to get their "twinkle toes shined up" via pedicure, right? Regardless, he and wife Caliese seem really close with their kid, so yay for that.
The New Makenzie? Olivia gives our favorite pageant hellion a run for her quotable money with these brat-tastic outbursts: "I see it, crazy fool."; "Oh shush, I hear you talking. Stop!"; "Don't say another word or you're going in 'time out.'"
Ultimate Grand Sweetie: Both Peyton and Olivia score Queen for their individual age groups, but Hailey tops the whole shebang with Ultimate Grand Supreme. The polite winner even privately thanks the judges afterward! "I knew she could do it all the time," proud pop Dan gushes. Awww, that's a good diva dad.
(Originally published July 20, 2011, at 8 p.m. PT)